I probably shouldn’t ask this because I really don’t want to know the answer.
Our life was going well.
Until the oil companies decided to stop drilling for 3 months and see who gets elected. So my husband is now sitting on his butt, not earning anything compared to normal. And when no one’s working, the ugly L word (lay off) is always just around the corner.
We thought we had a house. Until the bank decided they wanted 7% down instead of 3%, which would jeopardize our savings. Until they wouldn’t count half my husband’s income. I don’t know why anyone would buy a house these days. Nothing about the process is fun. Far from it. In fact, it brings out the ugly side. At least in me it does.
Our landlord put the house we’re in on the market. Just what I need. People traipsing through my house. And maybe being forced to move.
My husband got written up at work for something not his fault.
My Mom called and said she wants to come out again. ”Ok,” I said to her, “But we may be moving and school is starting so I don’t know how much we’ll actually see you.”
AND I need to finish this novel. I have to. And the work goes slower than molasses in January.
What’s your plan here God? Are you gonna move us again? Is where we’re at NOT where we’re supposed to be? What’s going on?
Funny how life changes in an instant and nothing is guaranteed in this world. Including tomorrow.
Except nothing is funny about it.
My husband asked me, “How is anyone supposed to plan?”
I said, “We’re not. We could die tomorrow. We’re supposed to live today and do the best we can. The rest will unfold as it’s meant to unfold.” I say this but in my heart I’m a planner. And I hate uncertainty.
Last election, my husband got laid off from the oil field. We don’t want that again. We have savings this time (thank the Lord) but it offers no comfort.
I’ve prayed, “God do your will.”
Still, life didn’t get any easier when I woke up the next day. Nor is it any easier now.
I’m super stressed. Life sucks right now. We are thrown in turmoil and I just want to scream, “Why?!!”
I can’t take anymore. I just can’t.
I don’t want a house anymore. My husband may lose his job again (just what I need).
I throw myself on God’s mercy and sometimes I just don’t see it. I don’t.
And I know my problems are not like some others. It could definitely be worse. But I’ve been homeless. I’ve been jobless. I’ve lived in a camper. And I don’t want to go back. Not at all. Yet these fears creep in when things like this happen…
I am hating life right now. Much like the character in my book. At times it seems so meaningless. Why even bother?
I can see why people give up. Luckily, I’m not the quitter type. But I do understand how life can be so unbearable it’s better to not than to do. ”To be or not to be, that is the question.”
Luckily, I have God. To cling to when I don’t understand. Because I know He does. Not that it’s any easier knowing this. It’s not.
But it’s something.
And I’ll take something over nothing any day.