Focus on the Family

This was the words I received from God last night as I was praying about my family and everything else in my life and about what I needed to do.

I’m once again going through some major changes.  We are moving to a place I’ve never lived before.  I have quit my newspaper column, which took a major impact on me emotionally (I don’t think I will ever return to such an endeavor.  It is too easy to knock people in today’s society of the Internet and I want to be loving, not argumentative).  Homeschool has hit a bump in the road.  I think we all need a much deserved break.

On top of all this, I feel no Christmas spirit, which is rare for me as this is usually my favorite time of the year.  We won’t have a tree as we are moving.  We have to stay with my in-laws again for a week until our house is ready (never pleasant).  Plus, a personal complaint:  I hate moving in the winter.  I told my husband never again but here we are.

The last 6 months have been a huge strain on me and I think the whole family suffered because of it.

So focus on the family is going to be my top New Year’s Resolution.  This includes everything:  physical, spiritual, mental, etc.  And this includes myself as well.  Focus on the things I need to do to be a better wife, mother, and pet owner (although I think the dogs are doing quite well.  They are both happily sleeping on my bed at this very moment).

I think the rest (personal, professional, and passion goals) will fall into place once I realign myself with God and what’s the most important thing in my life.

Cute Things My 3-Year Old Son Says and Does….

“Mommy, I want Daddy to go to work.”

“Why?”

“So I can sleep in your bed.”

My son likes to pretend to be a cat.  So now I have to put the cat to bed.

He hangs up his art work (scribbled coloring pages) all over his room.  The other day, I discovered he had hung up some in my room.  He has officially taken over.

I just finished putting “jammies” on my son’s dinosaur for bed.

I was called out of bed because my son’s dinosaur was scared.  I had to give it kisses (and my son too).

My son has become obsessed with cutting paper.  All day long during homeschool he cuts and cuts and cuts.  At the end of the day I vacuum all of his little bits up.  But hey–it keeps him entertained so I can teach!

“Mommy, I can’t find the yipper!”

“The what?” I say.

“The yipper.  Where is it?”

“Honey,” I respond, “I don’t know what a yipper is.”

“Zipper,” my husband translates.  ”He can’t find the zipper.”

“Oh,” I say, laughing.

“Mommy, can you tie this?”

My son hands me one of my husband’s old ties and his dino.  I tie the tie to his dinosaur’s tail.  I tie the other end to his light saber.  Then my son goes happily off, dragging his dino.

“Why you doing this?” I ask my son, curious as to what’s going through his mind.

“So I don’t have to carry him.”

“Oh,” I say.

The next thing I know my 8 year old and 6 year old come galloping up on their horses (broom sticks with a cut-out horse’s head taped on top).  They also have a jump rope tied around the broom stick, to which they tether their horses with in the stable (a doorknob).  Their baby dolls are also somehow tied to the broom stick–a make-shift saddle.

Like doesn’t get much better than this.

I Want to Be a Novelist, Not a Columnist…

Let’s face it: none of us are getting any younger.

I have come to realize lately as my 3 year old is rapidly approaching 4 that I no longer have any “babies” in terms of needing constant care.  Which means I am getting older too.

My dream has been for a while now to be a novelist.  It is what drives me every day to do what I do.

This columnist gig was great but it takes up a lot of my writing time.  Instead of writing on my novel (which gives me an insane amount of joy), I spend time writing my column (which lately has given me little joy).

I put a lot of effort into my columns (like I do here) and the ones I think are good I get no response from the public.  I wrote a really great piece on Thanksgiving basically relating the history of Thanksgiving and how it was originally meant to thank GOD and no one else and how it has all been secularized.

Nothing.  No emails.  No on-line responses.

I write opinion pieces on laws and I get told to go back to where I come from.

I feel I am not impacting anyone.  And I feel God has called me to make an impact.

I have felt this way since the end of September but I pushed forward.  However, I can’t ignore my gut any longer.

With only so much time in the day that is actually mine, I must make cuts.  And this is the first one on the chopping block.

I want to spend as much time with my kids as possible while still pursuing my dreams. Right now, I only have one dream.  And it has nothing to do with a career in newspaper land.

NOTE OF CLARIFICATION:  I am speaking about the column I am writing in my local newspaper, NOT THIS BLOG!  This is a blog, not a column.  Sorry for any confusion!!!

Feeling Like Whatever I Do I’m Screwed…

I just feel sick.

Really and truly.

I couldn’t sleep last night.

I prayed.

Nothing.

Still waiting…

We have an opportunity to move (not back to where we’re from but away from here). We’re going this weekend to check out the place.  It seems perfect.  But….

I just don’t know if it’s the right thing to do.  I guess I won’t know.  Husband doesn’t either.

I will probably not have peace either way until time passes.

I’ll be in a nice place but husband will be away again.  Or we can stay here where I absolutely hate it.  I hate every waking moment really.

Part of me feels like I’m a deserter.  The other part of me feels like I’m not.

Either way it won’t be ideal.

Yet who or what is in this world we live in???

I’m trying to follow God but knowing what is Him is the question.

I’ve pissed off several people lately so my new policy is not to say anything.

That’s just me.  I rub people the wrong way with my opinions.

And I’m horrible with the spoken word.  Just wretched really.

I just feel like I can’t win these days no matter what I do.  In anything I do.

But I get up every day and try to follow God.

I guess that’s all I can do.

Even though at some moments I feel it is absolutely pointless and wrong and other moments I feel elated and it’s perfectly right.

If life were simple, it would be boring.  But sometimes boring is good.

Lulls in life.

Like the calm before the storm.

I just wish I could see that calm from where I’m standing…

“What Are You Gonna Be for Halloween?”

Every time some adult asks my children this question I cringe internally.

If you read my body language, you’d see my mouth pull tightly at the corners and my eyes narrow.  I’m usually not happy about the assumption.

My kids?  They never know what to say.  They usually don’t answer strangers anyways.

So, I usually answer for them after an awkward pause.

“We don’t celebrate Halloween,” I say.

I usually get an “Oh” and most people don’t know what to say after that.

I celebrated Halloween when I was a kid.  We dressed up and I remember it but it was never really a fun memory.  It was just something we did.

My husband grew up adamantly opposed to it.  His family rented movies and turned out all the lights at night so trick-or-treaters would pass them by.  ”It’s a pagan holiday,” he says.

So when we got married I kind of wanted to do it.  But as the years passed, I’m glad I didn’t fight this battle.

To me, it’s a meaningless “holiday”.  It celebrates nothing.  People dress up, look silly, and go asking for treats from strangers.  It just seems strange to me.

Also, it is way too commercialized for me (if you haven’t guessed, I hate following crowds).  Apparently, Halloween is BIG business, ranking behind Christmas in holiday sales.

I’m wondering what this says about our society.  Are we so desperate for an escape we dress up on one night and go to a party because everyone else does?

Me–I’ll take a good novel any day over this.

My kids know what it is.  They have to; the society they mingle with Trick-or-Treats every year.  We read Halloween books (there are some cute ones out there).  My middle child loves black cats so we read a lot of cat books this time of year.

We go to a pumpkin patch every year and paint pumpkins.  But that’s all we do.

They don’t seem to care we don’t do what everyone else seems to be doing.  They have never asked to go trick-or-treating. They do ask to get the princess dresses on November 1st half-off though!  (I have trained them well!).

I’m not opposed to others who choose to celebrate it.  I’m indifferent either way. The rest of my family (on both sides) celebrates Halloween.  We just choose not to.

I’m wondering what you all think about Halloween and any religious implications.  Any opinions either way?

Who Would Want to Live Without God?

This question arose in my mind as I was contemplating how I would not want to live in the 1800′s with no running water, electricity, or modern bathroom.

Luckily for me, God placed me here in this time for a reason–His reason.

So if I wouldn’t want to live without modern conveniences, the same could be said about God as well.  I wouldn’t want to live without Him, either.

Again, luckily for me, I never have.  I was raised a Christian, knowing Him (not  like I do now) but knowing Him.

So what would my life look like without Him?

For starters, I doubt I’d be here.  I probably would have killed myself a long time ago when I went through some serious depression in college.  But I remember praying over and over again to God, usually crying myself to sleep uttering His name as I asked Him, “What was wrong with me?  Why was this happening to me?  Why me?”

Admittedly, I still do this in my lows, just not nearly in such a fragile state of mind.

God gets me through every day.  He gave me a purpose (kids, writing, family) that propels me to do things I normally wouldn’t.  He’s there when I cry out.  He’s there when I’m happy.

I think of all the people who do not know Him.  And it’s overwhelming to think about.

Are their lives empty?  Do they feel a deep satisfaction?  How do they get through the lows in life?  Are they content in life?

Questions I’ll probably never be able to answer but they lead me to one thing: gratefulness for God and who He is and His promises to me.  And the ability to share Him with others (not as many as I’d like) but with those in my path.

That’s all we can do really.  Live our lives according to His word and share Him when called.

I’d call that a life well lived.

Update on My Life…

This post is more for me than anyone else so feel free to hit the delete button now if you like.  I won’t be offended.

As I type this, I am sitting on my couch with my 3 year old son asleep on my lap. It is thundering out so my scared male mastiff is curled up at my feet.  A rainbow is in the sky outside as the sun is shining.  The wind is howling as it blows across the house.  It is raining as well but only occasionally.

So, not being able to move (much to my chagrin since my coffee needs to be heated up) I’m thinking about my life here.

My column is going well.  I had several people email me (businessmen from neighboring towns) who liked my last article.  It is just like having a blog but it’s in print.  I get to write about whatever strikes my fancy with no constraints–just how I like it.

My husband is getting raise after raise.  So that’s a positive sign.  It gives me hope I’ll be out of here soon.

Yet, I still think of my life back home.  Still yearn for it.  Just prayed to God to let us move back quickly.  Because although I’m happy enough here, I don’t want to be here.  I don’t.  And I know it’s God’s plan.  But I can still pray that He rushes this plan up a bit.

My husband called me at 2 am and left a message.  It was all garbled because he’s in the middle of nowhere.  But the gist of it was to be careful because there have been reports that guys are following women home from the local grocery stores and raping them.

Wonderful, I thought.  And why am I here again?

Then I couldn’t go back to sleep.  No matter.  My dog would have woken me up anyways when the thunder started.

Homeschool is finally getting settled.  The girls had to get used to me again and how I do things and I had to get used to them and how they learn things.  Still struggling a bit with my 6 year old who wants to do everything her older sister does even if it’s a bit above her but I try and humor her.  It’s better than not wanting to do it, I tell myself.

Yesterday, we went nature journaling.  Our focus was on trees so we sketched the trees at the library, a park, and a nearby museum.  We went biking.  The temperature was nice, a warm 78 degrees.

Then we went to the store and returned home to do an art project, focusing on the Ancient Egyptians who drew murals on the floors and walls of their buildings, depicting their daily lives around the Nile River.  So the girls sketched some birds and animals from guide books I picked up at the library and my son…well, scribbled.  Cute scribbles though.

The rainbow is still there.

I’m on lesson 3 of BSF (shouldn’t shock anyone that I couldn’t wait) but I do the lessons with a heavy heart, not for sure I’ll be in a class or not.  I’m learning but the spark is not there.

Same with exercising.  I do it because I know I have to.  But I force myself to.

Something is missing and I can’t peg it.  I think it is the fact that I don’t want to be here.  So why bother getting up? Doing BSF?  Doing much of anything?

I wonder if all of this will be worth it next year at this time when we finally get to move and buy a home of our own.

My husband believes so.  He tells me the year will fly by quickly.  We must have patience and see where this thing takes us.

Yeah, I guess.

Still, life is a drag and dragging for a year is not how I like to live.

But I pray.  And who knows?  Just God.

I’m hoping whatever He has planned will come to fruition quickly.

So my heart won’t be quite so heavy.

I Won’t Have to Worry about My Three-Year Old in the Future…

I’m chatting away as usual after one of my daughter’s soccer games when I look around for my 3 year old son.  I don’t see him for about 30 seconds until he pops into view, carrying a gatorade and cookies.  He has this huge grin on his face and is very proud of himself.  He is running towards me, prizes held up like an Olympic medal.

I bust up laughing.

You see, he managed to wriggle his way in to the OPPOSING team’s post-game snacks and come out victorious.

I made him give them back of course but at the same time I thought, Wow, that was ingenious, resourceful, and downright cute.

It seems he already is a charmer.  I pray he applies this same attitude in the future to the real-world challenges he shall face.

This Happens Every May…

God takes me down to remind me my place in this world.

I’m sick.  My throat hurts.  My voice is almost gone.  I have a runny nose and feel all around absolutely miserable.  I can’t sleep. I’m cold.

On Wednesday, our music teacher told me I looked really tired. I’ve been thinking for a couple of weeks now I need to take a break, not work out for a week, not set my alarm for a week but I haven’t.

So God does what I won’t do.

Since August, I’ve been faithfully working out 2-3 times a week, doing BSF every day, working on my novel, and doing all the kids stuff (school, activities, etc).  And getting up early every day in order to accomplish such personal goals.  Not to mention running a household and keeping the dogs alive and my husband happy.

BSF is finally over.  My final edit which took two months instead of two weeks is finally done.  I’m on the verge of being done researching homeschool curriculum.  School is almost over.

Obviously, I need a break.  NOW.

As usual, God has to hit me over the head in order to do it.

He got my attention.  I’m listening…

What’s Worse: What You Know or What You Don’t Know?

I have a “car book” that I read only in the car.  I finally finished it after 8 months last week!  Yeah!  I love historical fiction but rarely get to indulge in it.

In Ireland by Frank Delaney, a boy learns the woman who he thought was his mother is really his aunt and his aunt is really his mother.  So the above question was posed:  ”Which is the worst, huh, what we know or what we don’t know?” P. 479

I started thinking about this in my own life.  As many of you know, I have struggled this whole year with my kids’ school and deciding whether or not to homeschool in the future.  If I hadn’t of homeschooled before, I wouldn’t be having this dilemma.  If I hadn’t of known there was a better option, I’d be quite content with my kids in public schools.

But I do know.  I know I can do a better job.  I know I can save a lot of money, time, and hassle doing it myself.  I know my kids thrive on the challenge at home.  I also know they are both acing public school because they know so much from what I taught them.  I know my oldest daughter questions all the time why public schools do things (for the 1% who can’t follow the rules).  I know I have a passion for teaching and learning and for teaching and learning the Bible that I can pass on to them.

But if I didn’t know all of this….I’d be quite content in my ignorance without some of the hassles of my mind.

The boy in the book–his whole world was turned upside down with his new knowledge.  He was frantic.  And 2 pages later is the best answer I’ve heard when a girl asks the boy:

“What’s the good news inside it?  There’s always good news wrapped up in bad news?”

For the boy, a lot was explained about his childhood: why his “mother” acted the way she did, why his “aunt” acted her way, why his grandfather left the family, etc.

There are many of these examples in my life and probably in yours:  where we know things we wish we didn’t and where we didn’t know things we wish we would have sooner.  For the former, homeschooling. For the later, BSF and things about the Bible I wish I had known sooner.

For me, the good news about homeschooling is there’s options in life.  I know I have choices about my kids’ education.  I know I can teach.  I know my kids can learn.  And I know homeschooling is a viable option for me and my family.

For me, I’d rather know.  I don’t like living in the dark no matter how painful or life-altering the news may be.

In the end, the boy found peace.  And so have I.