I Don’t Understand….

Maybe I’m not supposed to understand.

Yeah, that’s got to be it.

My husband is unemployed.  He thought he’d have a job by now but it’s been a month and both of us are frustrated over the whole deal.

He just wants someplace he can grow.  Where he can make a difference and feel like he’s doing God’s work.

We pray for God to provide that and it is slow in coming.

Fear creeps in.  Of losing all we’ve worked so hard to obtain over the last few years: savings, possessions, etc.

Because when you’ve lost them once like we have that fear is always there.

Sure, we trust.

But fear lingers…

Then there’s me.

I don’t understand what I’m supposed to be doing.

I thought it was writing.  I still believe that.  But I am so frustrated that I don’t do much except what you all see.

It’s that age-old question “What am I supposed to be doing with my life?”

I wonder if the answer will ever be clear.

So, yeah, I don’t understand.

Why we always live in limbo.  Why we never know where we will settle down.  Why the dream of owning a home once again seems further and further away.

Why this thing inside of me never goes away–that thing that tells me “There is more than this.”

So I pray.

Not understanding.

But trusting.

And hoping one day clarity will come.

Sooner rather than later.

For we all know I’m not a very patient person.

At least that’s one thing I DO understand….

“God Moved Me”

Answer given by my 4 year old son when asked how he got in my bed last night.

Sweet boy!

Praises to My Husband…

I don’t post much about the man behind me.

But if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t be here.

Typing to you all.

I just wouldn’t have the time.

His hard work and sacrifices enable me to do this and to raise my kids.

His money pays for it all:  trucks, gas, home, household, food, guitar lessons, dog food, dentist visits, soccer, school supplies, clothes, art supplies, Christmas cards, presents, charity, and everything else we spend money to live on.

My girls and I had a concert last night where we got to play songs on stage.  I had a blast!  I was hyped up for hours afterwards.

Three years ago, that wouldn’t have been possible when my husband was unemployed and going through layoffs.

It was a great reminder of how I am blessed–not only by God but by my husband.  We often forget the people God blesses us with especially those closest to us.

He encourages my writing.  Encourages my homeschooling.  In my parenting.  Encourages me when my dog dies.  In everything.

He gave me a purpose I lacked before when he asked me to be his wife.  He gave me my kids.

He gave me him.

All by God’s plan.

So, I type this as a praise to him and his hard work.  To encourage him as he is away this Thanksgiving, working so we can eat some turkey.

I don’t sing his praises enough or encourage him or tell him how much he is appreciated. So I’m doing it now.

Honey, I love you and appreciate all you do for our family.  You have a much harder role than I do as the provider of this family.  And you embrace that role God has given you and always exceed expectations.

We love you!  And so does “Fluffy”!

Anything Else, God?

I probably shouldn’t ask this because I really don’t want to know the answer.

Our life was going well.

Until the oil companies decided to stop drilling for 3 months and see who gets elected.  So my husband is now sitting on his butt, not earning anything compared to normal.  And when no one’s working, the ugly L word (lay off) is always just around the corner.

We thought we had a house.  Until the bank decided they wanted 7% down instead of 3%, which would jeopardize our savings.  Until they wouldn’t count half my husband’s income.  I don’t know why anyone would buy a house these days.  Nothing about the process is fun.  Far from it.  In fact, it brings out the ugly side.  At least in me it does.

Our landlord put the house we’re in on the market.  Just what I need.  People traipsing through my house.  And maybe being forced to move.

My husband got written up at work for something not his fault.

My Mom called and said she wants to come out again.  ”Ok,” I said to her, “But we may be moving and school is starting so I don’t know how much we’ll actually see you.”

AND I need to finish this novel.  I have to.  And the work goes slower than molasses in January.

What’s your plan here God?  Are you gonna move us again?  Is where we’re at NOT where we’re supposed to be?  What’s going on?

Funny how life changes in an instant and nothing is guaranteed in this world.  Including tomorrow.

Except nothing is funny about it.

My husband asked me, “How is anyone supposed to plan?”

I said, “We’re not.  We could die tomorrow.  We’re supposed to live today and do the best we can.  The rest will unfold as it’s meant to unfold.”  I say this but in my heart I’m a planner.  And I hate uncertainty.

Last election, my husband got laid off from the oil field.  We don’t want that again.  We have savings this time (thank the Lord) but it offers no comfort.

I’ve prayed, “God do your will.”

Still, life didn’t get any easier when I woke up the next day.  Nor is it any easier now.

I’m super stressed.  Life sucks right now.  We are thrown in turmoil and I just want to scream, “Why?!!”

I can’t take anymore.  I just can’t.

I don’t want a house anymore.  My husband may lose his job again (just what I need).

I throw myself on God’s mercy and sometimes I just don’t see it.  I don’t.

And I know my problems are not like some others.  It could definitely be worse.  But I’ve been homeless.  I’ve been jobless.  I’ve lived in a camper.  And I don’t want to go back.  Not at all.  Yet these fears creep in when things like this happen…

I am hating life right now.  Much like the character in my book.  At times it seems so meaningless.  Why even bother?

I can see why people give up.  Luckily, I’m not the quitter type.  But I do understand how life can be so unbearable it’s better to not than to do.  ”To be or not to be, that is the question.”

Luckily, I have God.  To cling to when I don’t understand.  Because I know He does.  Not that it’s any easier knowing this.  It’s not.

But it’s something.

And I’ll take something over nothing any day.

I Am Not Attached to Anything…

We looked into buying the rental we are currently living in from the landlords.  We thought we had a price negotiated but then they wanted more right before the contract was inked.

We wouldn’t budge.  Because the house is not exactly what we are looking for.

So we’re looking for a house to buy again.

I have been a transient most of my adult life.  I have lived in 5 countries and visited many, many more.  I have lived in dorms, apartments, campers, and houses.

We did own a house once.  For 7 years we owned that house.  It was okay.  But it wasn’t what we wanted.

Still, when it was taken from us in foreclosure, it was hard to let it go.  But not too hard. And not because it wasn’t what we wanted.

It wasn’t hard because by that point we had lost all of our vehicles (4 or so because it was my husband’s business that caused the bankruptcy) and all of our toys (four-wheelers, motocycles, and snowmobiles).  So, why not the house?  After all, they’ve taken everything else.

When you’ve had everything taken away from you, you tend to not get attached to things.

Realtors count on people “falling in love with a house” and then paying more that they were originally intending to pay for it–merely because there’s emotion involved.  So do car salesmen.  Hence, the test drive.

Not with this mama.  Sorry.

I’m ready to walk anytime.  I can find a new “home” to live in.  Why?  Because it’s not “home”.  Home is heaven.  Earth is merely a transient walk I am taking.

With one caveat:  my family.  I, of course, need my family.  But as long as I have them (and this includes my two mangy old dogs who need their mama), I’m good.

And God of course.

But He goes without saying.  For me anyways.  Because He’s in my heart.  Where I go, He goes.  Always and forever.

There will be sunrises over our new home like this:

And rainbows outside our window like this:

My husband doesn’t want to move again (who does?).  But God wants us to.  Just like He did all those other times.  So here we go again.

I can say this because I’m not attached to any material thing in this world.

My question is:  Are you?

Focus on the Family

This was the words I received from God last night as I was praying about my family and everything else in my life and about what I needed to do.

I’m once again going through some major changes.  We are moving to a place I’ve never lived before.  I have quit my newspaper column, which took a major impact on me emotionally (I don’t think I will ever return to such an endeavor.  It is too easy to knock people in today’s society of the Internet and I want to be loving, not argumentative).  Homeschool has hit a bump in the road.  I think we all need a much deserved break.

On top of all this, I feel no Christmas spirit, which is rare for me as this is usually my favorite time of the year.  We won’t have a tree as we are moving.  We have to stay with my in-laws again for a week until our house is ready (never pleasant).  Plus, a personal complaint:  I hate moving in the winter.  I told my husband never again but here we are.

The last 6 months have been a huge strain on me and I think the whole family suffered because of it.

So focus on the family is going to be my top New Year’s Resolution.  This includes everything:  physical, spiritual, mental, etc.  And this includes myself as well.  Focus on the things I need to do to be a better wife, mother, and pet owner (although I think the dogs are doing quite well.  They are both happily sleeping on my bed at this very moment).

I think the rest (personal, professional, and passion goals) will fall into place once I realign myself with God and what’s the most important thing in my life.

Cute Things My 3-Year Old Son Says and Does….

“Mommy, I want Daddy to go to work.”

“Why?”

“So I can sleep in your bed.”

My son likes to pretend to be a cat.  So now I have to put the cat to bed.

He hangs up his art work (scribbled coloring pages) all over his room.  The other day, I discovered he had hung up some in my room.  He has officially taken over.

I just finished putting “jammies” on my son’s dinosaur for bed.

I was called out of bed because my son’s dinosaur was scared.  I had to give it kisses (and my son too).

My son has become obsessed with cutting paper.  All day long during homeschool he cuts and cuts and cuts.  At the end of the day I vacuum all of his little bits up.  But hey–it keeps him entertained so I can teach!

“Mommy, I can’t find the yipper!”

“The what?” I say.

“The yipper.  Where is it?”

“Honey,” I respond, “I don’t know what a yipper is.”

“Zipper,” my husband translates.  ”He can’t find the zipper.”

“Oh,” I say, laughing.

“Mommy, can you tie this?”

My son hands me one of my husband’s old ties and his dino.  I tie the tie to his dinosaur’s tail.  I tie the other end to his light saber.  Then my son goes happily off, dragging his dino.

“Why you doing this?” I ask my son, curious as to what’s going through his mind.

“So I don’t have to carry him.”

“Oh,” I say.

The next thing I know my 8 year old and 6 year old come galloping up on their horses (broom sticks with a cut-out horse’s head taped on top).  They also have a jump rope tied around the broom stick, to which they tether their horses with in the stable (a doorknob).  Their baby dolls are also somehow tied to the broom stick–a make-shift saddle.

Like doesn’t get much better than this.

I Want to Be a Novelist, Not a Columnist…

Let’s face it: none of us are getting any younger.

I have come to realize lately as my 3 year old is rapidly approaching 4 that I no longer have any “babies” in terms of needing constant care.  Which means I am getting older too.

My dream has been for a while now to be a novelist.  It is what drives me every day to do what I do.

This columnist gig was great but it takes up a lot of my writing time.  Instead of writing on my novel (which gives me an insane amount of joy), I spend time writing my column (which lately has given me little joy).

I put a lot of effort into my columns (like I do here) and the ones I think are good I get no response from the public.  I wrote a really great piece on Thanksgiving basically relating the history of Thanksgiving and how it was originally meant to thank GOD and no one else and how it has all been secularized.

Nothing.  No emails.  No on-line responses.

I write opinion pieces on laws and I get told to go back to where I come from.

I feel I am not impacting anyone.  And I feel God has called me to make an impact.

I have felt this way since the end of September but I pushed forward.  However, I can’t ignore my gut any longer.

With only so much time in the day that is actually mine, I must make cuts.  And this is the first one on the chopping block.

I want to spend as much time with my kids as possible while still pursuing my dreams. Right now, I only have one dream.  And it has nothing to do with a career in newspaper land.

NOTE OF CLARIFICATION:  I am speaking about the column I am writing in my local newspaper, NOT THIS BLOG!  This is a blog, not a column.  Sorry for any confusion!!!

Feeling Like Whatever I Do I’m Screwed…

I just feel sick.

Really and truly.

I couldn’t sleep last night.

I prayed.

Nothing.

Still waiting…

We have an opportunity to move (not back to where we’re from but away from here). We’re going this weekend to check out the place.  It seems perfect.  But….

I just don’t know if it’s the right thing to do.  I guess I won’t know.  Husband doesn’t either.

I will probably not have peace either way until time passes.

I’ll be in a nice place but husband will be away again.  Or we can stay here where I absolutely hate it.  I hate every waking moment really.

Part of me feels like I’m a deserter.  The other part of me feels like I’m not.

Either way it won’t be ideal.

Yet who or what is in this world we live in???

I’m trying to follow God but knowing what is Him is the question.

I’ve pissed off several people lately so my new policy is not to say anything.

That’s just me.  I rub people the wrong way with my opinions.

And I’m horrible with the spoken word.  Just wretched really.

I just feel like I can’t win these days no matter what I do.  In anything I do.

But I get up every day and try to follow God.

I guess that’s all I can do.

Even though at some moments I feel it is absolutely pointless and wrong and other moments I feel elated and it’s perfectly right.

If life were simple, it would be boring.  But sometimes boring is good.

Lulls in life.

Like the calm before the storm.

I just wish I could see that calm from where I’m standing…

“What Are You Gonna Be for Halloween?”

Every time some adult asks my children this question I cringe internally.

If you read my body language, you’d see my mouth pull tightly at the corners and my eyes narrow.  I’m usually not happy about the assumption.

My kids?  They never know what to say.  They usually don’t answer strangers anyways.

So, I usually answer for them after an awkward pause.

“We don’t celebrate Halloween,” I say.

I usually get an “Oh” and most people don’t know what to say after that.

I celebrated Halloween when I was a kid.  We dressed up and I remember it but it was never really a fun memory.  It was just something we did.

My husband grew up adamantly opposed to it.  His family rented movies and turned out all the lights at night so trick-or-treaters would pass them by.  ”It’s a pagan holiday,” he says.

So when we got married I kind of wanted to do it.  But as the years passed, I’m glad I didn’t fight this battle.

To me, it’s a meaningless “holiday”.  It celebrates nothing.  People dress up, look silly, and go asking for treats from strangers.  It just seems strange to me.

Also, it is way too commercialized for me (if you haven’t guessed, I hate following crowds).  Apparently, Halloween is BIG business, ranking behind Christmas in holiday sales.

I’m wondering what this says about our society.  Are we so desperate for an escape we dress up on one night and go to a party because everyone else does?

Me–I’ll take a good novel any day over this.

My kids know what it is.  They have to; the society they mingle with Trick-or-Treats every year.  We read Halloween books (there are some cute ones out there).  My middle child loves black cats so we read a lot of cat books this time of year.

We go to a pumpkin patch every year and paint pumpkins.  But that’s all we do.

They don’t seem to care we don’t do what everyone else seems to be doing.  They have never asked to go trick-or-treating. They do ask to get the princess dresses on November 1st half-off though!  (I have trained them well!).

I’m not opposed to others who choose to celebrate it.  I’m indifferent either way. The rest of my family (on both sides) celebrates Halloween.  We just choose not to.

I’m wondering what you all think about Halloween and any religious implications.  Any opinions either way?