I Want to Be a Novelist, Not a Columnist…

Let’s face it: none of us are getting any younger.

I have come to realize lately as my 3 year old is rapidly approaching 4 that I no longer have any “babies” in terms of needing constant care.  Which means I am getting older too.

My dream has been for a while now to be a novelist.  It is what drives me every day to do what I do.

This columnist gig was great but it takes up a lot of my writing time.  Instead of writing on my novel (which gives me an insane amount of joy), I spend time writing my column (which lately has given me little joy).

I put a lot of effort into my columns (like I do here) and the ones I think are good I get no response from the public.  I wrote a really great piece on Thanksgiving basically relating the history of Thanksgiving and how it was originally meant to thank GOD and no one else and how it has all been secularized.

Nothing.  No emails.  No on-line responses.

I write opinion pieces on laws and I get told to go back to where I come from.

I feel I am not impacting anyone.  And I feel God has called me to make an impact.

I have felt this way since the end of September but I pushed forward.  However, I can’t ignore my gut any longer.

With only so much time in the day that is actually mine, I must make cuts.  And this is the first one on the chopping block.

I want to spend as much time with my kids as possible while still pursuing my dreams. Right now, I only have one dream.  And it has nothing to do with a career in newspaper land.

NOTE OF CLARIFICATION:  I am speaking about the column I am writing in my local newspaper, NOT THIS BLOG!  This is a blog, not a column.  Sorry for any confusion!!!

This Time I Mean It…

Ever since we’ve moved, I’ve indulged myself more than I used to.  I buy more coffee treats.  I eat more sweets.  And more processed food.

Well, I feel like it’s caught up with me.  I think I’ve got a bit of a roll going on around my stomach.  The thing is:  I don’t weigh any more than I used to.

It’s not like I’m fat or anything.  I’m 5’7″ and weigh 125 lbs.  I work out 2-4 times a week and am toned.  But I feel jiggly lately.

So, starting today I’m cutting the sugar I can:  no more Coke.  No more convenience foods (Tostinos and Hot Pockets are two of my favorites).  No more coffee drinks from Wal-Mart.  And I’m cutting the occasional beer I indulge in.

So that leaves water and my morning coffee (hey, I have to keep something!).  And coffee is really just flavored water.  I don’t use any sugar.  And I use FF creamer.

I’ve tried this before but never fully committed.  But this time I am.  And I intend to succeed.

I’ve been feeling tired lately and just overall yucky.  And I think it’s due in part to my diet.  So more fruits, vegetables, and proteins.

We’ll see how this goes.  After a month, I’ll re-evaluate.  See if the coffee does need to go.  Or maybe switch to drinking it plain.

But at least I got a plan together.  To feel better overall, better about myself and my aging body, and save some money in the process.  (Have you noticed how much a 24-pack of Coke costs these days?)

My Love Affair with the Guitar…

I’ve been down again lately.  For whatever reason.  Not wanting to be here.  Husband gone again.  Dirty house.  Etc.

So I cleaned the house.  Still didn’t feel better.  Read books with the kids.  Moped basically.

Then the girls and I practiced the guitar.

Now I feel much better.

I have made this one of my goals: to learn to play along with my children.

This is my new passion to be honest.  It’s become an obsession really.  I played the other day until my wrist hurt that’s how bad I want this.  And I’m very pain adverse.  I practice until my fingers hurt (building calluses, ya know).

I didn’t think someone as old as I am could learn (not that I’m old but I’m definitely not 10 anymore).  But it’s slowly taking shape.

I am determined to learn how to play My Savior My God by Aaron Shust, one of my favorite songs.  The first time I heard it I remember thinking, That Intro would be cool to play.

Sometimes I think this new hobby is the only thing that is sustaining me.  When I’m mopey, I get my guitar out and tinker around.  I watch lessons online.  Just to distract myself.

I’ve always wanted to play an instrument but since I grew up with a single mom I never had the opportunity.  Now I do.  And I intend to succeed this time around.

Not that it’ll be easy.  Especially for someone as musically-challenged as I am.  But I will give it my all and see how good I can get.

I have this new dream of being a worship leader or something crazy like that.

One never knows, do they?  Not until you try.

Who Would Want to Live Without God?

This question arose in my mind as I was contemplating how I would not want to live in the 1800′s with no running water, electricity, or modern bathroom.

Luckily for me, God placed me here in this time for a reason–His reason.

So if I wouldn’t want to live without modern conveniences, the same could be said about God as well.  I wouldn’t want to live without Him, either.

Again, luckily for me, I never have.  I was raised a Christian, knowing Him (not  like I do now) but knowing Him.

So what would my life look like without Him?

For starters, I doubt I’d be here.  I probably would have killed myself a long time ago when I went through some serious depression in college.  But I remember praying over and over again to God, usually crying myself to sleep uttering His name as I asked Him, “What was wrong with me?  Why was this happening to me?  Why me?”

Admittedly, I still do this in my lows, just not nearly in such a fragile state of mind.

God gets me through every day.  He gave me a purpose (kids, writing, family) that propels me to do things I normally wouldn’t.  He’s there when I cry out.  He’s there when I’m happy.

I think of all the people who do not know Him.  And it’s overwhelming to think about.

Are their lives empty?  Do they feel a deep satisfaction?  How do they get through the lows in life?  Are they content in life?

Questions I’ll probably never be able to answer but they lead me to one thing: gratefulness for God and who He is and His promises to me.  And the ability to share Him with others (not as many as I’d like) but with those in my path.

That’s all we can do really.  Live our lives according to His word and share Him when called.

I’d call that a life well lived.

Update on My Life…

This post is more for me than anyone else so feel free to hit the delete button now if you like.  I won’t be offended.

As I type this, I am sitting on my couch with my 3 year old son asleep on my lap. It is thundering out so my scared male mastiff is curled up at my feet.  A rainbow is in the sky outside as the sun is shining.  The wind is howling as it blows across the house.  It is raining as well but only occasionally.

So, not being able to move (much to my chagrin since my coffee needs to be heated up) I’m thinking about my life here.

My column is going well.  I had several people email me (businessmen from neighboring towns) who liked my last article.  It is just like having a blog but it’s in print.  I get to write about whatever strikes my fancy with no constraints–just how I like it.

My husband is getting raise after raise.  So that’s a positive sign.  It gives me hope I’ll be out of here soon.

Yet, I still think of my life back home.  Still yearn for it.  Just prayed to God to let us move back quickly.  Because although I’m happy enough here, I don’t want to be here.  I don’t.  And I know it’s God’s plan.  But I can still pray that He rushes this plan up a bit.

My husband called me at 2 am and left a message.  It was all garbled because he’s in the middle of nowhere.  But the gist of it was to be careful because there have been reports that guys are following women home from the local grocery stores and raping them.

Wonderful, I thought.  And why am I here again?

Then I couldn’t go back to sleep.  No matter.  My dog would have woken me up anyways when the thunder started.

Homeschool is finally getting settled.  The girls had to get used to me again and how I do things and I had to get used to them and how they learn things.  Still struggling a bit with my 6 year old who wants to do everything her older sister does even if it’s a bit above her but I try and humor her.  It’s better than not wanting to do it, I tell myself.

Yesterday, we went nature journaling.  Our focus was on trees so we sketched the trees at the library, a park, and a nearby museum.  We went biking.  The temperature was nice, a warm 78 degrees.

Then we went to the store and returned home to do an art project, focusing on the Ancient Egyptians who drew murals on the floors and walls of their buildings, depicting their daily lives around the Nile River.  So the girls sketched some birds and animals from guide books I picked up at the library and my son…well, scribbled.  Cute scribbles though.

The rainbow is still there.

I’m on lesson 3 of BSF (shouldn’t shock anyone that I couldn’t wait) but I do the lessons with a heavy heart, not for sure I’ll be in a class or not.  I’m learning but the spark is not there.

Same with exercising.  I do it because I know I have to.  But I force myself to.

Something is missing and I can’t peg it.  I think it is the fact that I don’t want to be here.  So why bother getting up? Doing BSF?  Doing much of anything?

I wonder if all of this will be worth it next year at this time when we finally get to move and buy a home of our own.

My husband believes so.  He tells me the year will fly by quickly.  We must have patience and see where this thing takes us.

Yeah, I guess.

Still, life is a drag and dragging for a year is not how I like to live.

But I pray.  And who knows?  Just God.

I’m hoping whatever He has planned will come to fruition quickly.

So my heart won’t be quite so heavy.

The Animal Hedge

“Slowly they (the sons) realized that they’d seen in the hedge what lay deep in their hearts and heavy on their minds.”

The Animal Hedge by Paul Fleischman tells the story of a farmer who loses his farm and begins to carve his passions (farm animals) into his hedges.  One day, he tells his sons they must look in the hedges to find the answer to what their calling was.

In the end, the sons realize they saw in the hedges what was in their minds and hearts:  what their calling was in life, their passion, what was most on their minds.

Great story of finding your passion.  It seems to say we all know what our passion is; it’s just a matter of stepping back and letting the shape form in our minds until we recognize and acknowledge it.

This Happens Every May…

God takes me down to remind me my place in this world.

I’m sick.  My throat hurts.  My voice is almost gone.  I have a runny nose and feel all around absolutely miserable.  I can’t sleep. I’m cold.

On Wednesday, our music teacher told me I looked really tired. I’ve been thinking for a couple of weeks now I need to take a break, not work out for a week, not set my alarm for a week but I haven’t.

So God does what I won’t do.

Since August, I’ve been faithfully working out 2-3 times a week, doing BSF every day, working on my novel, and doing all the kids stuff (school, activities, etc).  And getting up early every day in order to accomplish such personal goals.  Not to mention running a household and keeping the dogs alive and my husband happy.

BSF is finally over.  My final edit which took two months instead of two weeks is finally done.  I’m on the verge of being done researching homeschool curriculum.  School is almost over.

Obviously, I need a break.  NOW.

As usual, God has to hit me over the head in order to do it.

He got my attention.  I’m listening…

Tangled

My daughter picked up the book Tangled adapted by Christine Peymani based on the movie from the library.

“I’ve been dreaming about  them (magic lanterns) my entire life!  Haven’t you ever had a dream?” Rapunzel asks.

“I had a dream once,” a thug said.

Dreams is what motivates most of us I think.  For little kids, these are extremely important.  They live in their own little worlds and it’s important they believe anything is possible.

Later on:

“What if everything is as I have dreamed it to be?  What do I do then?” asks Rapunzel.

“You get to go find a new dream,” Flynn told her.

I LOVED this.  Even when our dreams are fulfilled, there are other ones out there to pursue.

Finally:  ”Don’t leave me,” Rapunzel says to Flynn who’s dying “I can’t do this without you.”

“You were my new dream,” Flynn replies.

“And you were mine,” Rapunzel says.

Great stuff.  Stuff of fairy tales and movies.  I don’t think I need to expound on this.

I couldn’t put the book down.  I’m assuming the movie is just as good.

I Feel Like the Character in My Book…

I’m pretty depressed right now.  Running this blog has been a life-saver for me in many ways–it has.  It allows me to be without judgment (most of the time) and it really doesn’t matter if I am judged because none of you know me.  I can say what I really think without the confines of society’s rigidity–without repercussions to my life.  And that has been freeing for me.

But I am finally allowing the realization of BSF ending for the near future to sink into my heart and it’s like poison spreading throughout my bloodstream–a slow and steady death.

The character in my book experiences something similar.  She’s an outcast and when she’s finally popular it’s like an all-consuming drug and she revels in it.  However, her friends resent her for her new-found popularity.

Hits on my blog make me feel the same way.  I feel good when people care what I have to say (don’t you?) and I love reading your comments.  It’s a constant-dialogue and it’s refreshing from my real life where all my conversations entail “Me want.  I’m hungry.  Can I have a treat?”

It’s like an alter-ego here on-line although as most of you know what you see is what you get.  But if you met me in person, you wouldn’t recognize me.  Guaranteed.  Because most of us (me included) hide.  Due to social norms or what have you.

I know what you’re all going to say:  ”This is an idol.”  Maybe.  Something I’ve been praying about, no doubt.

But what you don’t realize is I’m human too.  I don’t have all the answers.  I’m certainly not perfect.  I’m just like you but apparently with some hidden talent to dissect God’s word (this is from you all–not me.  I’m still not sure I believe any of that).

Using God’s gifts to help others (something I can’t do in my real life full of soccer practices, hours of reading books, and typical-kid monotonous activities of cooking dinner, bath time, and never-ending snacks) has allowed my heart to soar, made my book MUCH better, and given me something I can’t even describe.

[I know you will refute this assertion as well.  I am using God's gifts in my real life but doing your God-given purpose is a whole-different animal and I'm not sure I can explain it adequately. Sure, my kids are God's gifts and part of my passion.  But there is more in my heart and what He has given me than that and it's like an ache that won't go away until I do something in that direction to satisfy it.]

I have never felt closer to God than these last few months.  And I am deathly afraid I will lose that.  Because I know me.  I know if there’s not someone pushing, it won’t get done.  I still haven’t finished reading the Bible on my own.  Because there’s always something else calling.

Like today:  I got up late, had to pay bills on-line, and read if the government was going to shut down or not (at least they wouldn’t be doing any more harm, right?).  I probably only opened my Bible because I hadn’t done Day 4 yet.  I forced myself to do it and wasn’t feeling it at all (you could probably tell from some of my answers).  But I learned I definitely am blessed not to have lived in Isaiah’s time–that’s for sure.

Without BSF my Bible will probably be as it was before BSF–constantly sitting on my night-stand with weeks of dust on it before I open it again.

I am definitely questioning God right now (if you read my answer to that question in BSF a few weeks ago, I believe it’s okay to do so with the right heart).  I’m not sure what He’s doing.  I’m just not.  And I don’t like unknowns.  I’m trying to trust.  Trying to believe.  Trying to do a lot of things….

Not that everything is sunshine and rosy with this blog.  I got hammered over my BSF posts where I dared to question their methods.  Some of  you got pretty mean-spirited and personal to say the least.  And I took it personally–something I never wanted with this blog.  But when you put yourself out there, what can you expect?

But I didn’t expect it and I had to question what this blog was all about.

I am concluding I need a break (or at least God thinks I do). Isaiah took a lot out of me–a lot.  I thought the summer would be enough but maybe not.

Well, one thing is for sure, I will keep praying.  God brought this to me and He can take it away if He wants.  Either way, I’ll still be here.  Living.  Praying.  Trying.  Striving.  Never yielding.

For once He’s grabbed your heart there’s not much you can do, is there?

My Heart is Heavy…

I just found out we are moving–and it’s not to anywhere I want to move to.  It’s in the middle of nowhere, we know no one there, and the nearest BSF class is a 5-hour drive.

Sigh.

It definitely wasn’t what I was hoping for.  But my kids will get to be with their daddy almost every night–something they desperately need.

It’s not a long-term move (2 years or so) but a move nonetheless and for those of you who move frequently and with little kids and 2 dogs, no part is ever fun.  No one in my family is excited about it but its all about getting the job experience for my husband so hopefully after 2 years we can move to where we want to live (civilization would be nice).

I will have to pray hard about BSF.  My main problem:  I have kids in two-age groups:  the school-age and the toddler age, which meet at different times in BSF classes.  This is my major obstacle as I see it (especially as I’ve been told by you all that kids are not allowed in discussion groups and lectures or something like that). Since I will be homeschooling, I will have my kids with me at all times.

Sigh again.

Understanding God’s plan in this will be a challenge–no doubt about it.  We moved to where we presently live because I wanted to live here but obviously God doesn’t want us here.

Then there’s this whole blog thing.  I thought it was a good thing and you all tell me it’s a good thing but why would God move me to a place that makes attending BSF a HUGE obstacle if this isn’t a good thing?  I know my detractors are secretly excited about this news although they probably wouldn’t admit it.  I can’t start a BSF because the population is not big enough to support one.

Sigh again.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around this and luckily I have some time before we move (2 months or so). But still…it won’t be easy.  Yet is anything in life ever easy?