Category Archives: Life

I Don’t Understand….

Maybe I’m not supposed to understand.

Yeah, that’s got to be it.

My husband is unemployed.  He thought he’d have a job by now but it’s been a month and both of us are frustrated over the whole deal.

He just wants someplace he can grow.  Where he can make a difference and feel like he’s doing God’s work.

We pray for God to provide that and it is slow in coming.

Fear creeps in.  Of losing all we’ve worked so hard to obtain over the last few years: savings, possessions, etc.

Because when you’ve lost them once like we have that fear is always there.

Sure, we trust.

But fear lingers…

Then there’s me.

I don’t understand what I’m supposed to be doing.

I thought it was writing.  I still believe that.  But I am so frustrated that I don’t do much except what you all see.

It’s that age-old question “What am I supposed to be doing with my life?”

I wonder if the answer will ever be clear.

So, yeah, I don’t understand.

Why we always live in limbo.  Why we never know where we will settle down.  Why the dream of owning a home once again seems further and further away.

Why this thing inside of me never goes away–that thing that tells me “There is more than this.”

So I pray.

Not understanding.

But trusting.

And hoping one day clarity will come.

Sooner rather than later.

For we all know I’m not a very patient person.

At least that’s one thing I DO understand….

Remember Our Blessings…

Due to the Thanksgiving holiday this week, in lieu of prayer requests I’d like to have a post devoted to God’s blessings and praises–what God has given us instead of what He hasn’t yet (which He has we just can’t see it).

Too often (myself included) we forget out blessings and instead focus on the little setbacks in life.  Granted, sometimes the setbacks are big but God is always in the midst.

Just some of my blessings:

I am blessed by my husband who sacrifices time with his family so we can live a good life. I am blessed to be able to write to you, to afford Internet, and to write somewhat intelligently.  I am blessed being able to take guitar lessons and learn alongside my kids. They are blessed in this as well.

I lead a pretty good life.  I don’t have to work.  I spend all my time with my kids.  I get to do whatever I want most of the time.

Sure, my husband is struggling in his career.  But God is there.  By his side the entire time.  And God’s faithful to move him where He wants him.

I am blessed by my three beautiful children who God has entrusted to me to raise in His name.

I am blessed that I still have one dog whose unconditional love is hard to surpass.

I am blessed with a home, a family, food, clothing, and shelter.  I am blessed by my blog and spreading His message.  I am blessed by BSF and the Bible, God’s word.  I am blessed by Him.

I am blessed by you all and your words of wisdom, different view points, prayers, encouragements, disagreements, opinions, answers, questions, challenges, and advice.  I am grateful for each and every one of you who visit and my heart sings when you post your thoughts and prayers here.  God bless you all.

What are your blessings?

Ruminations from a Selfish Blogger…

All summer I have had the policy of NOT commenting too much to others’ comments. Not that I don’t read them (I read all of them) or that I didn’t care (I care what everyone writes).  But that I didn’t need to defend myself to others.

Well…

I have received some comments and emails lately (as I do every year BSF begins) from those wondering why I’m posting my answers, why I’m ruining BSF, and how I’m a horrible person.

I delete these and don’t respond.

Well, then I had the “audacity” (as one woman put it) to air a grievance against BSF for their desire to video-tape my children.  I was told I should have handled this privately and I shouldn’t be complaining about BSF for it might turn potential future BSF’ers off to BSF.

I was even told my posts are number one in Google (yes, I know this.  I have known this for quite some time.  But it’s not something I flaunt and I even try NOT to acknowledge how successful this blog is so I never talk about it for this blog is NOT about that).

Hence, because of this, I should have some “responsibility” in what I say.

Yes, and don’t we all?

But last time I checked I lived in the United States of America with a Constitution that grants me the right to free speech.  And bursting someone’s bubble when I discuss an imperfection of BSF is something I should not do.

It’s like telling me I sin every day.  Yep.  Guilty.

Most of these emails/comments are from those new around here.  They missed the whole debate about how horrible a person I was about posting my answers, how I have debated long and hard about even doing this because so many of you didn’t like your paradigm changed of what BSF is, was, and will always be.  (And, yes, if you google this you will find these posts still on my blog).

They also missed my many blog posts of suggestions to BSF for improvements such as an online forum, an online class, notes online for members’ only, etc.  Not all of my BSF postings are “negative.”

Here’s a bulletin:  BSF is not perfect.  As am I.  I am a human being, fallen since Adam, and I sin.

BSF is made up of human beings who sin as well.

I have a legitimate concern regarding signing away my right to have my kids videotaped and I discussed it here, on this forum, with you all.

You can read it.  You can not.  That’s your choice/God-granted Free Will.

This blog remains a place for me to be me without condemnation or judgment if I discussed this matter “privately”.  For then all would know who I am.  Something I guard fiercely in terms of where I live and who I am.

I want to be me without feeling judged because I dared to not sign a form.  Is that so wrong in this world?

And, yes, Christians judge.  Sometimes more than others.  It has to do with the higher standard God holds us to…but I won’t go into that.

Suffice it to say I’ve taken my fair share of knocks for what I do around here.  I am not perfect.  And just because I blog my answers and am a Christian doesn’t mean I should be held to a higher standard than you all.  We are all equal in God’s eyes.

Sometimes I feel you all are “shocked” by what I say around here because you have an image of me being a perfect Christian lady.

And that is something I am far from.

But you have a choice:  to be here or not to be here.

I don’t force you to sign up to my blog.  I don’t force you to google and find my answers.  I don’t force you to read. (And please don’t tell me you aren’t ever coming back again.  As if that affects me….how?).

I merely exist here and if I am the only one here I will still be happy.

Granted, I’d like to help others (otherwise, I wouldn’t be serving God).  But I don’t need anyone’s approval for what I say or do but God’s.

And that includes you all.

I would like this to be a place of learning, of community, of sharing, of being.  A place God brings us.  For whatever reason.  I would like it to be positive (but it’s not always going to be).  I would like it to be a meeting of friends.  To talk and discuss Him who most matters in our lives.

And occasionally for me this is a place I air my frustrations with this Fallen life.  A place I bear my soul, my heartache, and my pain when my dog dies (I miss her presence every day); how grieved I am when God moves me across the country; or how I don’t understand this world I live in.

And since BSF is a big part of my life and this blog, I air my qualms about the organization as well as my praises.

But I am in no way responsible for how you respond to it or who chooses to read this or who gets turned on or off to BSF.  For that is God’s realm.

You will hear me say many times on this blog that I am selfish.  I am.  Something I strive every day to overcome.

When it comes to this blog, I am selfish.  It’s mine.  A place for me.  Even my family doesn’t know the url like some of you do :)

And if I say something you don’t like or agree with feel free to correct or comment on it. But know also I’m not going to change what I do around here.  And yes your comments may be edited or deleted if it is offensive.  To me.  (Selfishly).

Like I was selfish in wanting my dog to live.  For me.

Finally, I want so say thank you.  For all of your encouraging words during my trials, my heartaches, my “complaints” and “grievances” and for your support.  If it wasn’t for you, I’d probably quit this blog (something I debate virtually every week).  Because some days it’s just not worth it.

But then one of you says how grateful you are I am here (and yes I read these even if I don’t respond back) and I smile.

So I trudge along.  Putting in the extra time.  For you.

And occasionally for me when it pertains to my little life on this side of heaven.

So thank you all.  I pray you find a little bit of what you are seeking here.  Even if it’s only an answer that may or may not be right or wrong.  But it’s a thought.

And sometimes all you need is a thought…

I’ve Never Felt Pain Like This Before….

On August 29th, 2012, at 8:30 am, my beloved dog passed away in my arms.

It was so sudden I didn’t want to believe it.

Still don’t.

I can’t remember when I’ve cried this much.

Continuously.

I love her.  Always will.  She is in my heart.  But I still yearn for here by my side.

I have not known pain like this before.

I have a small family.  Those who have passed away around me I was never close to.

Haven’t lost my mom or my dad yet.

She was my heart.  My first baby.  She was the one everyone wanted to take home.

I remember picking her out.  She ran from me, chasing after her sisters and her brother, and I grabbed her.

And didn’t let go.

Until that day.

But I haven’t let go.  Still clinging to her as if she were here.

But now it’s to her brother.  Who has just as much (if not more) of a broken heart as I do.

I told him I’d cry for him.  But I know he’s crying on the inside; I’m only crying on the out.

I tear up every time I think of her.  I try not to but it’s hard.  So much reminds me of her.

We took pictures the day before we took her to the vet.  We clung to the vet’s positive words (which weren’t many) but we hoped and we prayed and we prayed some more.

And I, at least, begged.

That morning I knew she wasn’t getting better.

I prayed over her to get better for ME.  Not for her.  But for ME.

Selfish, isn’t it?

She kept following me (like she always did) and I told her not to.  To rest and get better.

But God granted me the privilege of holding her as she left this world.  Of crying, “Please, God, no.  Don’t take her.”  Of showering her with my tears as her heart took its final beat.

But it was time.  I just didn’t want to admit it.

I love her.  Always will.

And I just wanted to share some pictures of her.

I wish I could share more.

Pictures of her and my kids.  Pictures of her and me.  On the day before she died.

But those are sacred.  Just between her and me and my family.

These are pictures of just her.

I love her.  Always will.

Her Favorite Spot

My Precious

Hunting Last Fall (This is One of My All-Time Favorite Photos)

Her and Her Brother Sleeping in the Camper

Her and Her Brother Hanging Out in the Backyard

Just Hanging Out

I Wish Everyone Would Lay Off Of Fracking…

My husband used to do fracking (or fracing, short for hydraulic fracturing) and still works in the oil field and when I read nonsense such as “what can we do to stop the fracking” written in my local paper, I get offended.  Irritated.  Angry.  Downright bearish.

Because it’s this sort of rubbish that is putting my livelihood and my family’s ability to live in jeopardy.

I have been bankrupt.  I have lost everything including my home and the oil industry right now is allowing me to homeschool my children and give them a life I never had.  So excuse me if I am offended by this stuff.

No one thinks that there are actual people behind the big oil companies who depend on their jobs (just like you or your husband depend on their job).  They immediately want to shut everything down–all based on speculation and no proof.

I have quit reading the local paper because of all this fracking nonsense (most of it written by ignorant people who have no idea what fracking is let alone what it entails). They have not read the requirements the state puts on these companies.  Most couldn’t even explain the process.

No one thinks what we as a nation would PAY without drilling.  I wish someone would put a rig in my back yard to tell you the truth.  Because I know it means lower prices to me for heating, fuel, etc.  I have no problem seeing rigs everywhere.  To me, it means employment for my family and money in the bank and not a camper (which I used to live in).

I get tired of defending my husband’s livelihood and what has given me the peace of mind from the repo men who used to show up at my door…

Fracking is personal for me.  I’m sure others have no problem with this.  But I do.  And I always will.  I do take it personally.  Attacking fracking is attacking me.  Because it threatens all that I have (and I don’t want to go back to food stamps).

My husband has been gone from my family for 6 weeks.  He hasn’t seen his kids in 6 weeks.  Because he is working 18 plus hours days in order to provide a home and a life for his family.

And this is most men who work in the oil field.  Gone all hours of the day and night, in extreme, often remote locations, working hard, physical labor to do a job that puts food on the table.  Soccer cleats on his kids’ feet.  Dog food for his mangy, old dogs.  And a restful sleep for his wife.

I just with others would see that.

I Am Re-Comitting to P90X…

Frustrated with my lack of progress on my diet, I am recommitting to P90X.  I got awesome results the first time around about 2 years ago and I have been doing it on and off ever since.

But it’s time to get serious, intense, X-like….(can you tell I’ve watched these videos a million times!).

While researching this post, I discovered Beachbody (the company who produces P90X videos) recently launched a new P90X program called P90X2 for graduates of P90X.  It’s something I’m considering.

My husband wants to do this again.  He never had a chance to finish it the first time around so he’s hoping to have more free time to do so again.

In the grand scheme of the busyness that is my life, I see two things that I cannot skimp on:  1) my time with God  2) my fitness.  I want to be around to see my kids grow into adulthood and keeping healthy I believe is the linchpin.

Ah, The Things You Take for Granted…

It’s strange how the most profound life lessons come from loss.

As most of you know, I’ve moved around a lot lately.  In the last four years, I’ve moved 6 times.  This does not count the times I’ve moved within cities.  This is the times I’ve moved more than 300 miles.

I’ve moved from a 4000 square foot home to a 800 sq ft apartment to a 600 sq ft fifth-wheel camper to a 1300 sq ft home to a 1000 sq ft trailer and now to a 1900 sq ft home on 5 acres.  This was just in the last 2 years.

From all of this, here’s what I’ve learned:

A back yard is priceless when you have kids and dogs.  The peace I have when I’m able to leave my dogs for more than 4 hours is inexplicable as well as knowing my kids are safe playing in the back yard without me having to check on them every five minutes.  My 4 year-old can now play outside with no worries from me.

Having all of my stuff in one spot is magical.  Not having to buy something when I already own it but it’s sitting in a storage facility 500 miles away is not only money-saving but stress-reducing as well.

Being able to find documents when needed is beyond words.

The Internet.  Need I say more?

Cable TV.  Albeit I don’t watch a lot, being able to watch football on Sunday afternoons is a choice I like to have.

Space.  Having space for the dogs to lay on the floor without tripping on them (they are English Mastiffs) and my kids to scream without blowing my ear drums out is a life-saver.

Friends.  From someone who doesn’t make friends easily and has moved from community to community, being able to escape the incessant “Mommy, can I have….?” or “Mommy, can I do…?” or my favorite, “Mommy, I’m hungry” (which seems to be about every 20 minutes) for a ladies night out is a welcome relief from the constant hub-bub surrounding me.

Baby-sitters.  Finding trust-worthy people to leave your children with is always difficult.  I’m glad we are close enough to be near Grandma to watch our kids occasionally (yet far enough away to not feel obligated when every little extended family event arises).

Doctors and dentists.  Finding trusted health-care providers is something I’ve struggled with.  Finally, I have found some and having the freedom to choose whom I want to see, which is something I pray will never be restricted.

A Job.  My husband went through a two-year period where he faced multiple lay-offs.  Finally, I think he has found a career that seems lasting.  Being able to pay the bills on-time is a blessing for which I give God all the credit for.

Freedom.

Your own home.  Living in someone else’s home is never fun.  You are subject to their whims and fancies.  Your movements, TV, Internet, cooking, cleaning, and overall general living is hindered.  Having your normal routine is a welcome relief.

Choice in services.  Coming from a place where there was usually only one person who offered a service (such as trash collection), I am blessed to once again see the free market at its best when I can choose based on quality of service and professionalism.  I am also blessed to have more than two grocery stores.

The sunrise.  Being able to see God’s glory in nature is a gift only He can give.  I saw one yesterday that took my breath away.  Having no building blocking it is another of God’s gifts.

Extended Family.  As much as they grate on my nerves, I know they mean well and act out of love.  I try to keep this in mind amidst their foibles and inconsistencies and focus on love.

Kids.  I can’t believe my oldest is already 8 years old.  It seems like yesterday she was just a baby.  My goal is to soak in as much of their childhood before they are gone for good.

Husband.  While meeting the immediate needs of little children it’s easy to overlook the not-so-immediate needs of husband.  My goal is to focus as much on him as possible when he is home.

God.  He may be one of the biggest things a lot of us take for granted.  After all, He’s always there, right?  Hence, He’s easy to dismiss in our day-to-day routines.

All of this I have learned through God’s incessant giving and taking away.  I pray now I can remember these lessons, take them to heart, and reflect back gratitude for both.

Pray, pray, pray is my new mantra.  Giving God all the glory He deserves is my New Year’s resolution.

What’s yours?

I Feel Like I’m in a Holding Pattern…

Definition of a holding pattern:  a state or period of no progress or change; a usually circular pattern flown by aircraft waiting to land.

Then all of its occupants can resume their lives.

This is me.

I’m stuck in this in-between phase of my life where nothing is getting done.

And it’s driving me nuts!

I’m waiting to move into my new home.  Unsure of the date as of yet.  I’ve done all I can do:  called utility companies, put a forward on our mail, submitted change of address forms, done all of my little errands, etc.

Now it’s all a wait game.

I have tons of stuff I need to be doing, but I can’t do any of it until I move.  Like get Internet.  Library cards.  Unpack.  Make a home.

It’s hard to do anything here–in a home not your own.  Play guitar.  Read books.  Cook. Clean.  All of my normal day-to-day activities.

Time still drags and sometimes I count the minutes.

But at least the circles are getting smaller and smaller and the destination is getting closer and closer.

That’s all we can hope for, right?

Do You Ever Feel Like You Can’t Do ANYTHING Right?

This is me today.

It just seems like whatever I touch I have a way of screwing it up.

For instance, soccer registration.  I went online this weekend and registered my kids.  I emailed our old coach that we were hoping to be on his team again.  His wife informed me that we weren’t supposed to register until January.

Well, why did it let me then? I wondered.

So I emailed the soccer office, informing them of my mistake.

Still didn’t ameliorate my guilt.

I still feel guilty about quitting the paper.  I feel this was a failed endeavor.  I emailed a suggestion to the editor about only allowing comments via Facebook and was shot down.

I watched some online video this morning of my former church.  It only verified what I know in my heart is my purpose–impacting the world and specifically kids through the written word.  But even this still doesn’t make life any easier.

Christmas is coming up and I know I rub people the wrong way.  My defenses rise from old wounds and suppressing it is damn near impossible.

The Devil is everywhere it seems…

Thank God there is a God who loves me despite my many flaws, errors, mistakes, offenses, transgressions, sins, and issues (of which I have many).

Otherwise, I’d be lost.  A floating soul.

I know this because I have been before.  I pray I stay on the path forever…

I pray I can be a blessing more than a hindrance.  A problem solver instead of a problem maker.  A positive influence and light in this world so full of negativity and heartache.

Someone who says the right things more often than the wrong things.  Affirming rather than tearing down.  And someone who can leave an impact or legacy for the future (even if it’s just my kids) that forwards God’s will instead of hindering it.