I Don’t Understand….

Maybe I’m not supposed to understand.

Yeah, that’s got to be it.

My husband is unemployed.  He thought he’d have a job by now but it’s been a month and both of us are frustrated over the whole deal.

He just wants someplace he can grow.  Where he can make a difference and feel like he’s doing God’s work.

We pray for God to provide that and it is slow in coming.

Fear creeps in.  Of losing all we’ve worked so hard to obtain over the last few years: savings, possessions, etc.

Because when you’ve lost them once like we have that fear is always there.

Sure, we trust.

But fear lingers…

Then there’s me.

I don’t understand what I’m supposed to be doing.

I thought it was writing.  I still believe that.  But I am so frustrated that I don’t do much except what you all see.

It’s that age-old question “What am I supposed to be doing with my life?”

I wonder if the answer will ever be clear.

So, yeah, I don’t understand.

Why we always live in limbo.  Why we never know where we will settle down.  Why the dream of owning a home once again seems further and further away.

Why this thing inside of me never goes away–that thing that tells me “There is more than this.”

So I pray.

Not understanding.

But trusting.

And hoping one day clarity will come.

Sooner rather than later.

For we all know I’m not a very patient person.

At least that’s one thing I DO understand….

What Makes Life Suddenly STOP…

Today I was driving into town on an average day full of errands:  library, bank, and the grocery store.  I was a bit ticked off at the husband who wouldn’t wait on me and left the house about 30 minutes beforehand.  And he forgot to take the rent check.

So I dropped off the rent check and pulled out of the landlord’s driveway.  I quickly sped up to 55 mph and spotted something in the road up ahead.  As I got closer, I noticed it was a bird of prey.  I positioned my vehicle for the bird to pass under my truck and in-between my tires so I wouldn’t hit it.  I thought it was dead.

After I passed, I looked in my rear-view window and I saw the bird flapping its wings wildly.

It was alive!

I did what I hoped most would do:  I stopped, turned around, and went back.

Admittedly, I have done this before; but not with a bird-of-prey.  But a baby bird in the road I wanted to save.

Something deep inside of me has a heart for animals and I can’t stand to see them suffer. I almost became a vet except my heart bleeds when animals die.

I drove back towards her, praying another car would not hit her.  I saw her mate who flew down but didn’t land due to a passing vehicle.

I pulled over across from the bird and got out.

I approached.  It wasn’t moving.

Female or Juvenile Northern Harrier

I gently picked her up (for indeed it was a female or a juvenile as I just discovered on the internet).

I thought she’d claw me or try to fight.

But she didn’t.

She just looked at me.  Immobile in my hands. Completely at my mercy.  Helpless.

It was almost as if she was relieved.

To be off the road.  And in safe hands.

She was soft.

And insanely beautiful.

Now what? I thought.

I had just wanted to move her to the side of the road.

But I couldn’t leave her now that I saw she needed help.

I gently placed her in my back-seat floorboard.

I googled on my phone the local raptor rescue group and called.

They were open and they’d take her.

Phew, I thought.  Now she might make it.

I knew exactly where this rescue place was.  I had been there many times before to show my kids the rescued birds.

I drove the bird there.  I briefly worried she would fly around my car or try to escape while I was driving.  Instead, she merely tucked her head and sat–grateful, it seemed.

“It appears to be a Northern Harrier,” the gentleman who picked her up from my truck told me.

“She didn’t fight me,” I said.

He confirmed my suspicions: that wasn’t a good sign.

He took her immediately to the back to be examined.

I filled out some paperwork and received a case number so I could call in 48 hours to check on her status.

How amazing.

As the lady thanked me, I instead thanked her and slipped her a $20.

For I had almost been in tears when I had picked that bird up.

The rescue lady was doing me a favor as well as the bird.

Granting a second-chance at life that we all so very-much deserve.

Just like Jesus has for all of us.

She is in good hands!
(And I pray God’s as well!)

Northern Harriers are birds that fly low to the ground, hunting their prey in open fields.

Easily able to get hit by a passing motorist.

Unlike most birds-of-prey, the males are distinct from the females.  The males are grey.  The females and the juveniles are brown.

I feel God put me there, at that moment, not long after the bird had been hit, to save it.  If nothing else, to at least not let it lie in the road, in fear and panic, awaiting the next hit that would end its life.

For I knew what to do.  Maybe the one who hit it (and the others who passed by) didn’t.

For in that moment, what I had been thinking about, where I had been going, my anger, my frustrations at life–every minor thing that was passing through my brain–STOPPED.

I became focused on this bird and getting it help.  Everything else could wait.

After I dropped her off, I went about my errands and my day.

But I was different.

Not angry.  Or frustrated.

But privileged it seems.

To help God’s creatures when they cannot help themselves.  Especially when its injuries were caused by man’s inventions.

We are all custodians of life.

Life great and small.

And I shall forever remember my brief encounter with this seemingly insignificant bird.

Who is gorgeous and majestic, strong yet precious.

And who might have been overlooked on any other day as it flew along the winds in amazing grace…

But for some reason our paths crossed.

And I feel connected to that bird in the ten minutes it sat quietly in my truck.  Resting…

And I pray it will return to its mate and fly again.

Right where God put it to begin with.

Right where it belongs…

Please support your local raptor rescue group.  Most are non-profits who do it for the love of the birds.

For you never know when one day you will be called upon to help.  And you will need a place to go.

I Am Lost…

I actually googled this and nothing helpful came up so I thought I’d write about it…

“Hey, is this the right place?!”

I am lost.

And depressed.

I don’t know which direction to go. Which direction God wants me to go.

I get up in the mornings….lost.

I have no desire to write.

So I toot around on the Internet for a bit.

Then I look around the house for all those miscellaneous projects to do that I never usually make time to do.

Then I do them.

Then I’m lost again.

I think about this time last year and my life was in turmoil:  we were moving.

Today, it’s in turmoil; just in a different way.

Life always seems like this to me.  Just when things seem to be on the uptake, it falls.

The specific contributing factors change.  Today it’s how my husband’s new job is not what he thought it would be.  How we’ve burned through $10,000 in savings in the last few months just paying the bills (and, yes, buying up guns–we are one of THOSE people). And how the book I spent 2 years of my life working on is once again going nowhere and is a pages file on my computer.

So where do I go from here?

My husband wants me to find a way to make money online.  Not all that easy.

Me?  I’d rather get a real job again.  It’s easier.

I’d rather write.

But every time I sit down to write, nothing comes out.

Frustrating.

And so far I haven’t earned one dime from my writings.

I just had a birthday and I think, What do I got to show for all these years on earth?

Kids aside, not much.

And I know in one year circumstances will change.

But it will be something else…

And will I always have this lost feeling?

And I’m not talking spiritual here.  For I know God.

I am lost in a different way…

A way I pray will not be there next year…

Ruminations from a Selfish Blogger…

All summer I have had the policy of NOT commenting too much to others’ comments. Not that I don’t read them (I read all of them) or that I didn’t care (I care what everyone writes).  But that I didn’t need to defend myself to others.

Well…

I have received some comments and emails lately (as I do every year BSF begins) from those wondering why I’m posting my answers, why I’m ruining BSF, and how I’m a horrible person.

I delete these and don’t respond.

Well, then I had the “audacity” (as one woman put it) to air a grievance against BSF for their desire to video-tape my children.  I was told I should have handled this privately and I shouldn’t be complaining about BSF for it might turn potential future BSF’ers off to BSF.

I was even told my posts are number one in Google (yes, I know this.  I have known this for quite some time.  But it’s not something I flaunt and I even try NOT to acknowledge how successful this blog is so I never talk about it for this blog is NOT about that).

Hence, because of this, I should have some “responsibility” in what I say.

Yes, and don’t we all?

But last time I checked I lived in the United States of America with a Constitution that grants me the right to free speech.  And bursting someone’s bubble when I discuss an imperfection of BSF is something I should not do.

It’s like telling me I sin every day.  Yep.  Guilty.

Most of these emails/comments are from those new around here.  They missed the whole debate about how horrible a person I was about posting my answers, how I have debated long and hard about even doing this because so many of you didn’t like your paradigm changed of what BSF is, was, and will always be.  (And, yes, if you google this you will find these posts still on my blog).

They also missed my many blog posts of suggestions to BSF for improvements such as an online forum, an online class, notes online for members’ only, etc.  Not all of my BSF postings are “negative.”

Here’s a bulletin:  BSF is not perfect.  As am I.  I am a human being, fallen since Adam, and I sin.

BSF is made up of human beings who sin as well.

I have a legitimate concern regarding signing away my right to have my kids videotaped and I discussed it here, on this forum, with you all.

You can read it.  You can not.  That’s your choice/God-granted Free Will.

This blog remains a place for me to be me without condemnation or judgment if I discussed this matter “privately”.  For then all would know who I am.  Something I guard fiercely in terms of where I live and who I am.

I want to be me without feeling judged because I dared to not sign a form.  Is that so wrong in this world?

And, yes, Christians judge.  Sometimes more than others.  It has to do with the higher standard God holds us to…but I won’t go into that.

Suffice it to say I’ve taken my fair share of knocks for what I do around here.  I am not perfect.  And just because I blog my answers and am a Christian doesn’t mean I should be held to a higher standard than you all.  We are all equal in God’s eyes.

Sometimes I feel you all are “shocked” by what I say around here because you have an image of me being a perfect Christian lady.

And that is something I am far from.

But you have a choice:  to be here or not to be here.

I don’t force you to sign up to my blog.  I don’t force you to google and find my answers.  I don’t force you to read. (And please don’t tell me you aren’t ever coming back again.  As if that affects me….how?).

I merely exist here and if I am the only one here I will still be happy.

Granted, I’d like to help others (otherwise, I wouldn’t be serving God).  But I don’t need anyone’s approval for what I say or do but God’s.

And that includes you all.

I would like this to be a place of learning, of community, of sharing, of being.  A place God brings us.  For whatever reason.  I would like it to be positive (but it’s not always going to be).  I would like it to be a meeting of friends.  To talk and discuss Him who most matters in our lives.

And occasionally for me this is a place I air my frustrations with this Fallen life.  A place I bear my soul, my heartache, and my pain when my dog dies (I miss her presence every day); how grieved I am when God moves me across the country; or how I don’t understand this world I live in.

And since BSF is a big part of my life and this blog, I air my qualms about the organization as well as my praises.

But I am in no way responsible for how you respond to it or who chooses to read this or who gets turned on or off to BSF.  For that is God’s realm.

You will hear me say many times on this blog that I am selfish.  I am.  Something I strive every day to overcome.

When it comes to this blog, I am selfish.  It’s mine.  A place for me.  Even my family doesn’t know the url like some of you do

And if I say something you don’t like or agree with feel free to correct or comment on it. But know also I’m not going to change what I do around here.  And yes your comments may be edited or deleted if it is offensive.  To me.  (Selfishly).

Like I was selfish in wanting my dog to live.  For me.

Finally, I want so say thank you.  For all of your encouraging words during my trials, my heartaches, my “complaints” and “grievances” and for your support.  If it wasn’t for you, I’d probably quit this blog (something I debate virtually every week).  Because some days it’s just not worth it.

But then one of you says how grateful you are I am here (and yes I read these even if I don’t respond back) and I smile.

So I trudge along.  Putting in the extra time.  For you.

And occasionally for me when it pertains to my little life on this side of heaven.

So thank you all.  I pray you find a little bit of what you are seeking here.  Even if it’s only an answer that may or may not be right or wrong.  But it’s a thought.

And sometimes all you need is a thought…

“Hey! Where Did Everybody Go?”

“Hey! Where Did Everybody Go?”

Why Holidays Are a Nuisance…

Unless you are a government or bank employee, holidays are more of a nuisance to us lay people.

1)  You have to wait an extra day to go to the doctor, dentist, or vet (unless you want to pay the exorbitant urgent care fees and after-hour fees).

2)  Because government offices are shut down, private businesses have to wait an extra day to get permits and such, stalling production and having employees have a day with no extra money in their pocket.

3)  The day AFTER the holiday, no one wants to go to a bank or government offices such as the DMV because the lines will be long and cumbersome.  And no one wants to return to work who had the day off because the day after a holiday is non-stop insanity, trying to make up the day.  (I DID have a life BC (before children) where I worked in a bank so I do know!).

4)  The kids are out of school.  This is a huge problem for working parents who are not fortunate enough to have the day off who now have to hire a baby-sitter or pay for a day-long camp.  Plus, like it or not, all these little holidays add up to an extra week of school since most states stipulate number of days kids must be in school.  This prolongs the school year to June in some cases or causes schools to start earlier in August.

5)  The Post Office is closed.  No receiving mail.  No sending mail.

6)  It compartmentalizes causes, in effect diminishing them, by squeezing all activities and commemorations into a 24 hour time-span.  Basically, by declaring “today is the day for…”, it implies every other day is not.

And this is just the US.

It’s similar in other countries.

Take England for example.  They have holidays called “Bank Holidays”. This is now a colloquial term for all public holidays but to foreigners like me I had presumed it was for no other reason than banks wanted a holiday.  Well, don’t we all, I thought at the time.  Still, the misnomer is confusing and seems to just be days off from work.

Then there’s Spain.  The whole month of August is a virtual holiday as most family-owned businesses shut down and go on vacation.  This is bad news for those foreign students moving there in summer for the fall semester.  This means most private businesses are shut down, no one is renting apartments, etc.  Nothing gets done.  If you want food, you usually have one choice:  El Corte Ingles.  And good luck if there’s not one near you.  The city is a virtual ghost town (and small towns are even worse) and the only ones walking around are tourists (who have no where to go!).

[Disclaimer:  this is based off of when I lived in Spain 15 years ago.  I have read that the month has been shortened to 2-3 weeks because of tourists and it may not be as bad as I make it out.  However, it was bad when I arrived!].

I am in NO WAY discounting what these holidays commemorate.  Trust me, I am the first to thank the soldiers who sacrifice their lives for our freedom (both of my grandfathers and several uncles served).  And I love the Fourth of July, which celebrates our country’s independence.

What I am saying is this: despite all the altruistic reasons to celebrate these causes they often cause inconveniences and have unforeseen repercussions.

We should be grateful every day for our independence and for soldiers who fought for it.  We should remember our troops and their families every day of the year.  We should be grateful every day (and not need Thanksgiving as one day to force us to be grateful) for what God provides for us.  We should remember Christ’s birth every day and thank God for sending Jesus.  We should remember our Presidents and Martin Luther King.

Point being:  we shouldn’t need the federal government to step in and pick a random day that says, “This day we will force Americans to celebrate such-and-such”.  And then the private sector gets involved and even the most noble causes become secularized (particularly Christmas and Thanksgiving–both meant to thank God for His provision and His son and are now reasons that are set on the back-burner).

[And I'm not even going to rant about non-official "holidays" such as Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Halloween, etc.  That is for another post.  Suffice it to say the principle remains the same.  I, as a mother, should be appreciated every day of the year and not just one!].

On the flip side, the good thing about holidays is they do force us Americans who are crazy busy to take a break and remember (at least for one day) our blessings, those who served our country and changed it for the better, and be thankful for it.  One day is better than none.  One prayer is better than none.

So, what does this say about our society?  I’ll let you be the judge…

Personally, this Memorial Day, I will be home with the kids and dogs, hopefully playing outside if the weather is nice.  I shall have to wait until Tuesday for my dentist appointment and to call my vet about my dog (who coincidentally is having teeth problems as well).  I will pray for our current troops and take a moment to remember the fallen.

But it will be a day just like any other in my life–one I shall try to live as Jesus would: prayerfully and thankfully, purposefully and for others, shining God’s Holy Spirit to the world.  In accordance with God’s will.  Always and forever.

Why Do We Have Longings?

Yesterday’s post arose many new thoughts and feelings inside almost immediately upon publishing it.

As someone who has moved around a lot, I miss things from every place I’ve lived (yes, even the last place but only one thing–not many).  Be it a house, or the snow constantly falling (even though this was one of my biggest complaints in this place), a church, a school, a homeschooling group, or a way of life.

There are just things from my life, my past life, that I miss.  Yet, it’s not like I want them back either (okay, sometimes I do) but where I’m at right now I do not.  But it’s this feeling of nostalgia that hits when something surfaces that reminds me of my old life.

I try not to dwell on this now because it is twinged with sadness.  So is this a part of life?

I miss my college days.  Mainly because I traveled all over the world.  But I try not to think on these times because they were very depressing times and I spent most of the time lost and searching…

I look at my dogs.  Creatures who spend every moment in the present.  Never thinking about the next day or what they will do.  About their bodies getting older or the fact they sleep all day now when years ago they played all day.  Never contemplating if they will bark at the geese in our field or the dogs that walk by.  Never thinking about their death. They just do.  Merely getting up each and every day.  Living.

And they will continue doing this until the day comes when they do not get up again.  And life will go on.  Just without them.

This is how it is for us humans too.  But we don’t like to think of life continuing on without us.

But it will.

Recently, a teenage girl died in my old community.  I had met her once.  A family with seven kids, homeschooled, who are very religious.  Her obituary talked about how she loved Jesus and it was very uplifting.  I was very touched and saddened by her passing as many in the community were.  But life didn’t stop.  Life moves on.  Just differently for those she was close to.

I joke all the time about my dogs dying.  But I don’t want them to.  They have been a part of my life for 10 years now and I can’t imagine not having them around.  But I know the day is coming.  And it saddens me.

I will long for them.  Like I do each and every place I have lived.  It seems a little piece of my heart (in the case of my dogs a big piece) was left there.  Some day I’d like to retrieve these pieces.  But I know it will probably be when I arrive in Heaven.

Longings are a part of life.  It’s what makes us humans.  It’s a symptom of our love.  The love God put in our hearts.

One day life will go on without me.  I pray the longings in my family’s hearts are lessened and quickly.  For I would want them to go on living.  How God intended them to.  And not to think on me except in a nostalgia sort of way.

Ah, life.  So many questions, isn’t there?

“What Are You Gonna Be for Halloween?”

Every time some adult asks my children this question I cringe internally.

If you read my body language, you’d see my mouth pull tightly at the corners and my eyes narrow.  I’m usually not happy about the assumption.

My kids?  They never know what to say.  They usually don’t answer strangers anyways.

So, I usually answer for them after an awkward pause.

“We don’t celebrate Halloween,” I say.

I usually get an “Oh” and most people don’t know what to say after that.

I celebrated Halloween when I was a kid.  We dressed up and I remember it but it was never really a fun memory.  It was just something we did.

My husband grew up adamantly opposed to it.  His family rented movies and turned out all the lights at night so trick-or-treaters would pass them by.  ”It’s a pagan holiday,” he says.

So when we got married I kind of wanted to do it.  But as the years passed, I’m glad I didn’t fight this battle.

To me, it’s a meaningless “holiday”.  It celebrates nothing.  People dress up, look silly, and go asking for treats from strangers.  It just seems strange to me.

Also, it is way too commercialized for me (if you haven’t guessed, I hate following crowds).  Apparently, Halloween is BIG business, ranking behind Christmas in holiday sales.

I’m wondering what this says about our society.  Are we so desperate for an escape we dress up on one night and go to a party because everyone else does?

Me–I’ll take a good novel any day over this.

My kids know what it is.  They have to; the society they mingle with Trick-or-Treats every year.  We read Halloween books (there are some cute ones out there).  My middle child loves black cats so we read a lot of cat books this time of year.

We go to a pumpkin patch every year and paint pumpkins.  But that’s all we do.

They don’t seem to care we don’t do what everyone else seems to be doing.  They have never asked to go trick-or-treating. They do ask to get the princess dresses on November 1st half-off though!  (I have trained them well!).

I’m not opposed to others who choose to celebrate it.  I’m indifferent either way. The rest of my family (on both sides) celebrates Halloween.  We just choose not to.

I’m wondering what you all think about Halloween and any religious implications.  Any opinions either way?

Does God Pray?

I was wondering this.  Does God pray?  Seems weird He’d pray to himself, doesn’t it?

But given we have Free Will, I was wondering if God prays for all the non-believers out there that they choose Him.  I know He hopes.  So is this akin to prayer?

Fascinating to think on.

I was thinking of this in relation to my Steve Jobs post since I’m not sure if he was a Christian or not so I know if he wasn’t then God would be hoping/praying he would become one before the end.

Jesus prayed.  He prayed multiple times to God the Father.  So if Jesus prays does God pray?

We have Free Will to choose God and accept Jesus as our Savior.  But does God know which way we will choose or not?

Recently, we touched on Free Will here on my blog where we discussed whether we actually have Free Will or not or if God knows it before hand.

So does God know if we will choose Him or not?  Or does He not know so He prays for us as well?

My mind is spinning.  I can see both ways:  We have to choose Him and because of Free Will God does not know.  But God does know which way we will choose.

Or does God keep sending signs (people, events, circumstances) into a person’s life until that person does choose Him?  Does He ever give up hope that person will choose Him even if He knows that person won’t?  Does even God try and try and try to change our human minds?

Or does God know all along?

I found this article here which I’m not sure I agree with but says humans are free to determine some of their lives.

If you think back to our study of Isaiah:  God kept begging His people over and over and over again to follow Him.  He warned them so many times I lost count.  Over and over again they didn’t choose Him.  They rejected Him.  It was only then that God got angry and punished.  He gave man every chance under the sun to change and they never did.

So did He pray over this?

We recently talked about rest in my church.  God rested on the Seventh Day of Creation not because He had to rest (God didn’t need to rest) but He rested to show man he needed to rest.

I tend to think God probably prays to show man he needs to pray.  God seems to be a big believer in modeling.  He sent His son in human form with every emotion like us.  Jesus prayed.

If you believe we have Free Will and we must choose God for ever-lasting life, then God doesn’t know and He keeps after us until the very end.  Because He wants our soul and not the Devil to have it.

Or God does know but He never gives up.  Never ever.  He still hopes we will change.  Something will melt our hearts.

How is this reconciled then with omniscience?  How can God know our hearts and not know if we ultimately choose Him or not?

I don’t know.  I have no clue really.  Ramblings I guess…

Do You Ever Feel Someone’s Passing?

Last night, I learned Steve Jobs has passed.  I spent about an hour reading all about his life.  I’m really not sure why.

This morning I realized why:  it was almost as if I and a lot of others felt his passing.

Very few people in this world have done something as lasting as he has. Here was a man who has touched most of our lives in some way with his company and his visions.  Revolutionizing products that most of us use.

I love my IPod.  I love my MacBook Pro Computer.  Soon, I hope to get an IPhone when the new ones come out.

I always feel sad though when I read when someone has passed so young.  He was 56 and I consider that young in this society.

You ask why.

I like to think when people die it is because their work is done here on Earth and they have something more important to do in Heaven.

But it’s hard to believe this with Mr. Jobs.  His mind was churning up to the end.  It’s hard not to think of what else he could have accomplished had not cancer stood in his way.

Not all of us can impact the world like Mr. Jobs has.  But we all can impact our small little world–those around us–in the same way.

That’s at least what I’m taking from his death.

I pray for his family and his four children who lost their Dad.  May God ease their hearts in this difficult time.