It is a Compulsion that I CANNOT Quench…

…this thing called writing.

It just won’t go away no matter how much I try.

Yet this same compulsion causes me so much agony.

Because I see no results.

My works languish like a worn out farm tractor sitting in a field.

Relegated to word documents that sit on my computer.  Filed away on some hard drive never to be seen.

I pray, “God direct me.  Use me.  Use this gift.”

And I feel no answer.

It frustrates me.

I’m not getting any younger.

I feel called to something more, something great even, but it never comes.

Or it’s too slow in coming.

“God’s timing.”

Yep, got it.  Doesn’t help me much though.

My YA paranormal is going nowhere.  Discouraging.

I’ve basically given up on the thing.

“Who am I?”

Not Tim Tebow.  Jenny McCarthy.  Bill Clinton.  Sarah Palin.  Or anyone else famous who has written a book.

Started a new novel this morning.

Well, not new.  It’s a resurrected idea that I plan to completely re-write.

For I can only write what I know.  What I have learned.  What I think others NEED to know before they learn it the hard way like I did.

And tears are shed…

Still, my heart remains heavy.  No relief.  Just anxiety…

I feel lost right now.  Debating about taking unpaid work (being a columnist again) just to satisfy this yearning deep within…

Debating a lot of things I could do.  Trying to come up with new ideas.

Yet my dream remains the same.

There must be room for me.  Hundreds of books are published every year.  I have a niche…

Somewhere…

For everyone has a story to tell.

I just wish (and pray) I could pinpoint mine.

Thank You for Your Submission BUT You Suck!!!

Ok, so this is not what my reject letters say but it’s close.

Basically, literary agents have adopted a much more PC rejection, “Thanks, but it’s not for us.”

Or I just got one yesterday that said (generically to all) that you don’t know how to write a query and sent me links to sites on how to write one.

Here, I read “You suck!”

I’ve been submitting my work but with little hope.  And it’s discouraging.  Everyone thinks they can write a book these days and I’m not someone famous so I just feel like it is close to hopeless.  I hate going to book stores because I see all the people who only got published because they are famous or infamous for some reason and it just makes me mad.

You hear about the J.K Rowling’s who have been plucked from the slush piles but I don’t see that as me.

I’m leaving it up to God but that doesn’t mean I feel good about it.  I feel this is the one and if it doesn’t go anywhere I fear I won’t write again.  At least for a while.

The only part of writing I like is the actual writing itself.  The rest is just work:  hours, months, and years of editing.  Months of researching agents, submitting, and waiting for the inevitable rejects to come in.  Don’t know about what comes after that since I haven’t ever gotten that far.

Maybe I do just suck.  Maybe I shouldn’t be writing.  Maybe I should get a job or something making coffee or serving somewhere.  I don’t know any more.

All I know is the “You Suck” never gets any easier to swallow.

When I’m Rich and Famous, I am SO Hiring a Professional Editor…

What I’m Dreaming Of…

I just spent 2 hours editing a grand total of 2 of my novel pages.

With every edit I tell myself this is the last one.  Then I convince myself to do one more reading…

Always my downfall.

So “this is my last reading.”  Was supposed to be quick.  Supposed to be…

Exasperation reigns right now.

I now know why every author thanks their editor on the “Thank You” page of their book.

And as soon as I get a novel published, I’m hiring one.

Because this stuff should DEFINITELY be left to the professionals…

Ode to the Struggling Writer…

Ode to the Struggling Writer…

 

I don’t know why I agonize

Does it matter if it’s “just” or “only”?

No one will ever read it anyways

It’s just for my eyes

Or is it only?

 

Still….

I continue anyways

Some dim hope glimmers

And pushes

Despite the meaningless I feel.

 

As time ticks by

I ebb and flow

But unlike the Moon

It matters to me.

 

And that is all I know.

Here I Go Again…

So, I’ve started going over my novel again after about a month of inactivity.  It’s one of my summer goals to finish up the editing.

Admittedly, I did not want to do this.  Thoughts kept running through my mind of, “Is this really my calling?  Why am I wasting my time again?  Maybe I should just give up…”

But you know me.  Giving up is not an option and I don’t like to lose  so I began.  I made little changes here and there that I actually liked.  And after about 2 hours of working on my first chapter, I ended the session with a bit of a high, thinking, “Okay, so this is better.”

And encouragement to continue in this endeavor.

I am also learning stuff about writing from my kids homeschool curriculum.  Where was this stuff when I was a kid?  I continually think my education was severely deprived or at least hindered when I see what my 8 year old and 7 year old are learning.  And at their age!

They are learning stuff I don’t even know!  In a way it makes me jealous, gives me incredible hope for them, and inspires me that you can teach an old dog new tricks (our saying for the week we are learning!).

It feels good to be back on track again.  I just pray this continues for the immediate future, long enough to finish this project and start seeking an agent for it.

Yet most importantly I feel continually blessed by God every day of my life.  I know no matter what happens He is there, always, by my side, cheering me on and holding me up. Forever.

The Beauty of Aesop…

Aesop, believed to have been a Greek slave who lived around 600 BC, accomplished what most writers can only dream of:  longevity.  He wrote timeless, meaningful pieces that have been told and retold for over 2500 years now.  Wow!

I was reading a collection to my kids when one particularly hit me.  It’s called The Lion and the Donkey.  It is a very short but the point hit home.

A lion is walking through a forest and all the other animals are making way for him except for the donkey who brays a scornful remark.  At first the lion was angry until he realized it was only the donkey, a fool, who had spoken.  He walked quietly on, not even deeming to respond.

Moral:  Do not resent the remarks of a fool.  Ignore them.

I wish I could do that.  I do take things so personally.  I couldn’t get over 30 comments of people telling me where to go in my newspaper column.  I just couldn’t.  The same with this blog.  The hurtful things people have said in the past still stings.

Part of me wishes I would.  But the other part doesn’t.  Because I think it’s this part that makes my writing better than average.  That makes it unique.  That tells the story as only I can.  That will one day fulfill my dream.  And purpose in this fleeting life.

This is at least what I cling to.  Hope.  God.  Family.  Purpose.

I Want to Be a Novelist, Not a Columnist…

Let’s face it: none of us are getting any younger.

I have come to realize lately as my 3 year old is rapidly approaching 4 that I no longer have any “babies” in terms of needing constant care.  Which means I am getting older too.

My dream has been for a while now to be a novelist.  It is what drives me every day to do what I do.

This columnist gig was great but it takes up a lot of my writing time.  Instead of writing on my novel (which gives me an insane amount of joy), I spend time writing my column (which lately has given me little joy).

I put a lot of effort into my columns (like I do here) and the ones I think are good I get no response from the public.  I wrote a really great piece on Thanksgiving basically relating the history of Thanksgiving and how it was originally meant to thank GOD and no one else and how it has all been secularized.

Nothing.  No emails.  No on-line responses.

I write opinion pieces on laws and I get told to go back to where I come from.

I feel I am not impacting anyone.  And I feel God has called me to make an impact.

I have felt this way since the end of September but I pushed forward.  However, I can’t ignore my gut any longer.

With only so much time in the day that is actually mine, I must make cuts.  And this is the first one on the chopping block.

I want to spend as much time with my kids as possible while still pursuing my dreams. Right now, I only have one dream.  And it has nothing to do with a career in newspaper land.

NOTE OF CLARIFICATION:  I am speaking about the column I am writing in my local newspaper, NOT THIS BLOG!  This is a blog, not a column.  Sorry for any confusion!!!

Clarification Note on Lesson 11 Day 3

So many of you wrote me with concerns about what I had answered in this lesson that I thought I would clarify:

I’m not giving up this BLOG.  I’m speaking about my COLUMN that I write for my local newspaper.  I have now edited that portion of my answer.  There was so much confusion that I thought I would clear that up.

In the future, I will refrain from mentioning the column.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement.  I do appreciate them all.

“I Don’t Know Why Anyone Would Follow My Blog”

My husband and I were talking the other night and for some reason I was talking about my blog (something I rarely do).

He was asking some questions about it and asked how many people followed my blog.

I told him.

“Why do people follow your blog?” he asked.

I responded with the above quote, “I don’t know why anyone would follow my blog.”

So, I lied a little I guess.  Most of you are here because of BSF.  That’s how most of you found me.

I told my husband I guess they like what I have to say and I’m a good writer (not sure about that but it fell out of mouth like most stuff does).

I know I have offended many people.  Some of you have gotten mad at me.  Some of you probably would like to smack me at times (which I don’t blame you.  I probably need a good smack or two) and ask, “What is wrong with you?”  (I ask this too).

I recently offended one lady who copied portions of my About page.  She emailed me back, offended by my offensiveness and explained her reasoning.  I duly apologized.

You see, I think people are out to get me in general.  So far, I’ve had 3 scrapers of which I know of and this irks me.  I now know how Stephenie Meyer must have felt when Midnight Sun was stolen and published without her approval.  It is a violation and for writers it’s usually personal. I know it is for me.  It’s a creative endeavor that I at least am fiercely protective of.

For those of you who don’t know, Midnight Sun is an unfinished work of Stephenie Meyers (the author of the Twilight Series) which got posted on the internet illegally when one of her rough drafts fell into the wrong hands.

The lady who copied my About page was probably an admirer (which you can tell from this post I have a hard time believing why anyone would admire me).  I should have acted out of love, but I didn’t.  I failed God’s test.  What else is new? you ask.

Luckily, the lady was nice about my insecurities although she probably harbors some ill-will against me.  I don’t blame her.  I can be quite caustic at times, especially when it comes to sensitive subjects.  You should see me when it comes to my kids.

I do thank you all who for whatever reason you do follow this blog.  I pray for you all–that God is moving in your life and blessing you beyond reason.  I thank you when you take the time to advise me or add your 2 cents to the questions or encourage someone else who shares their heart here.  I know your time is valuable and I appreciate every second you share with insignificant me.

And I pray many, many others appreciate you as well.

When the Joy is Gone, It’s Time to Move on…

I am submitting my resignation today at the newspaper I write for.  If you could call it that for I was never employed.

There is no joy in writing for the paper.  I feel I don’t make a difference and people love to pick apart my views.

In my limited amount of time I have on this Earth I feel this is not worth it.

Nothing right now is singing for me in my life (“career”-wise not family wise).  Nothing.

I go through the motions of writing, but I don’t enjoy most of it.

So I’m ditching those that have the most pull in terms of dragging me down.

My column is the most.

Thank you all for encouraging me in this endeavor.  But ’twas not to be.  At least for now.