Ode to the Struggling Writer…
I don’t know why I agonize
Does it matter if it’s “just” or “only”?
No one will ever read it anyways
It’s just for my eyes
Or is it only?
Still….
I continue anyways
Some dim hope glimmers
And pushes
Despite the meaningless I feel.
As time ticks by
I ebb and flow
But unlike the Moon
It matters to me.
And that is all I know.
Writing Frustrations!
Photo Curtesy of routerfreak.com
So, I’ve started going over my novel again after about a month of inactivity. It’s one of my summer goals to finish up the editing.
Admittedly, I did not want to do this. Thoughts kept running through my mind of, “Is this really my calling? Why am I wasting my time again? Maybe I should just give up…”
But you know me. Giving up is not an option and I don’t like to lose so I began. I made little changes here and there that I actually liked. And after about 2 hours of working on my first chapter, I ended the session with a bit of a high, thinking, “Okay, so this is better.”
And encouragement to continue in this endeavor.
I am also learning stuff about writing from my kids homeschool curriculum. Where was this stuff when I was a kid? I continually think my education was severely deprived or at least hindered when I see what my 8 year old and 7 year old are learning. And at their age!
They are learning stuff I don’t even know! In a way it makes me jealous, gives me incredible hope for them, and inspires me that you can teach an old dog new tricks (our saying for the week we are learning!).
It feels good to be back on track again. I just pray this continues for the immediate future, long enough to finish this project and start seeking an agent for it.
Yet most importantly I feel continually blessed by God every day of my life. I know no matter what happens He is there, always, by my side, cheering me on and holding me up. Forever.
Aesop, believed to have been a Greek slave who lived around 600 BC, accomplished what most writers can only dream of: longevity. He wrote timeless, meaningful pieces that have been told and retold for over 2500 years now. Wow!
I was reading a collection to my kids when one particularly hit me. It’s called The Lion and the Donkey. It is a very short but the point hit home.
A lion is walking through a forest and all the other animals are making way for him except for the donkey who brays a scornful remark. At first the lion was angry until he realized it was only the donkey, a fool, who had spoken. He walked quietly on, not even deeming to respond.
Moral: Do not resent the remarks of a fool. Ignore them.
I wish I could do that. I do take things so personally. I couldn’t get over 30 comments of people telling me where to go in my newspaper column. I just couldn’t. The same with this blog. The hurtful things people have said in the past still stings.
Part of me wishes I would. But the other part doesn’t. Because I think it’s this part that makes my writing better than average. That makes it unique. That tells the story as only I can. That will one day fulfill my dream. And purpose in this fleeting life.
This is at least what I cling to. Hope. God. Family. Purpose.
Let’s face it: none of us are getting any younger.
I have come to realize lately as my 3 year old is rapidly approaching 4 that I no longer have any “babies” in terms of needing constant care. Which means I am getting older too.
My dream has been for a while now to be a novelist. It is what drives me every day to do what I do.
This columnist gig was great but it takes up a lot of my writing time. Instead of writing on my novel (which gives me an insane amount of joy), I spend time writing my column (which lately has given me little joy).
I put a lot of effort into my columns (like I do here) and the ones I think are good I get no response from the public. I wrote a really great piece on Thanksgiving basically relating the history of Thanksgiving and how it was originally meant to thank GOD and no one else and how it has all been secularized.
Nothing. No emails. No on-line responses.
I write opinion pieces on laws and I get told to go back to where I come from.
I feel I am not impacting anyone. And I feel God has called me to make an impact.
I have felt this way since the end of September but I pushed forward. However, I can’t ignore my gut any longer.
With only so much time in the day that is actually mine, I must make cuts. And this is the first one on the chopping block.
I want to spend as much time with my kids as possible while still pursuing my dreams. Right now, I only have one dream. And it has nothing to do with a career in newspaper land.
NOTE OF CLARIFICATION: I am speaking about the column I am writing in my local newspaper, NOT THIS BLOG! This is a blog, not a column. Sorry for any confusion!!!
So many of you wrote me with concerns about what I had answered in this lesson that I thought I would clarify:
I’m not giving up this BLOG. I’m speaking about my COLUMN that I write for my local newspaper. I have now edited that portion of my answer. There was so much confusion that I thought I would clear that up.
In the future, I will refrain from mentioning the column.
Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I do appreciate them all.
My husband and I were talking the other night and for some reason I was talking about my blog (something I rarely do).
He was asking some questions about it and asked how many people followed my blog.
I told him.
“Why do people follow your blog?” he asked.
I responded with the above quote, “I don’t know why anyone would follow my blog.”
So, I lied a little I guess. Most of you are here because of BSF. That’s how most of you found me.
I told my husband I guess they like what I have to say and I’m a good writer (not sure about that but it fell out of mouth like most stuff does).
I know I have offended many people. Some of you have gotten mad at me. Some of you probably would like to smack me at times (which I don’t blame you. I probably need a good smack or two) and ask, “What is wrong with you?” (I ask this too).
I recently offended one lady who copied portions of my About page. She emailed me back, offended by my offensiveness and explained her reasoning. I duly apologized.
You see, I think people are out to get me in general. So far, I’ve had 3 scrapers of which I know of and this irks me. I now know how Stephenie Meyer must have felt when Midnight Sun was stolen and published without her approval. It is a violation and for writers it’s usually personal. I know it is for me. It’s a creative endeavor that I at least am fiercely protective of.
For those of you who don’t know, Midnight Sun is an unfinished work of Stephenie Meyers (the author of the Twilight Series) which got posted on the internet illegally when one of her rough drafts fell into the wrong hands.
The lady who copied my About page was probably an admirer (which you can tell from this post I have a hard time believing why anyone would admire me). I should have acted out of love, but I didn’t. I failed God’s test. What else is new? you ask.
Luckily, the lady was nice about my insecurities although she probably harbors some ill-will against me. I don’t blame her. I can be quite caustic at times, especially when it comes to sensitive subjects. You should see me when it comes to my kids.
I do thank you all who for whatever reason you do follow this blog. I pray for you all–that God is moving in your life and blessing you beyond reason. I thank you when you take the time to advise me or add your 2 cents to the questions or encourage someone else who shares their heart here. I know your time is valuable and I appreciate every second you share with insignificant me.
And I pray many, many others appreciate you as well.
I am submitting my resignation today at the newspaper I write for. If you could call it that for I was never employed.
There is no joy in writing for the paper. I feel I don’t make a difference and people love to pick apart my views.
In my limited amount of time I have on this Earth I feel this is not worth it.
Nothing right now is singing for me in my life (“career”-wise not family wise). Nothing.
I go through the motions of writing, but I don’t enjoy most of it.
So I’m ditching those that have the most pull in terms of dragging me down.
My column is the most.
Thank you all for encouraging me in this endeavor. But ’twas not to be. At least for now.
I do. Probably too easily.
Especially when it comes to my writing. I just don’t have the confidence in my abilities to do it “right” I guess.
My blog. My column. My unpublished works. Is any of it really good or are people just being nice? Does any of it serve a purpose?
Diane lovingly told me my heart’s on my sleeve and I am too sensitive. This is true. Have been my whole life. I don’t like criticism. It cuts something deep for whatever childhood reason.
Yet I keep doing it. Can’t stop really. Prompted by God. Or seeking some kind of approval or validation. From others. From Him. Like a published book in print. ”Then I’ll truly be a writer.”
Got my answer though to BSF postings from BSF themselves buried in the notes for Lesson 2. Paraphrasing it says technology has opened up previously closed doors to sharing the gospel with others all over the world.
All of this has a purpose and a reason for preparing me for whatever God has in store for me in the future.
And I believe this of you all as well. We’re all here. Learning from each other. Encouraging each other. Sharing our life’s frustrations and desires and our walk. Fighting the Devil every step of the way. Growing. Maturing. Being.
I pray for you all daily; that you find whatever you are seeking (be it here or elsewhere) and you continue marching forward doing God’s call on your life despite the inevitable setbacks and complications that accompany us all.
In Jesus’ name. Amen.
The Book of Fairies by Michael Hague is a compilation of short stories about fairies. This comment was in the appendix and it struck me:
“A world without magic and danger would be boring. Stories of fairies remind us how unpredictable and interesting the world really is. And they remind us that we must have times of struggle before we can have happy endings.”
It’s a sentiment we’ve all heard before, right? You got to have the downs to have the ups. But I’ve never heard it quite put like this before. Since I’m a writer I guess the simile impacted me more.
But it’s true. It reminds us all to keep plowing through the rough spots to find the smooth road; that the pot of gold lies at the end of the rainbow; to follow the Yellow Brick Road to return to Kansas.
I think that’s why I switched from writing non-fiction to fiction: because I like a good make-believe story as well as the next person. And I believe I can create one as well as or better than others.
If I keep trudging through the muck to get to the shower…
This post is more for me than anyone else so feel free to hit the delete button now if you like. I won’t be offended.
As I type this, I am sitting on my couch with my 3 year old son asleep on my lap. It is thundering out so my scared male mastiff is curled up at my feet. A rainbow is in the sky outside as the sun is shining. The wind is howling as it blows across the house. It is raining as well but only occasionally.
So, not being able to move (much to my chagrin since my coffee needs to be heated up) I’m thinking about my life here.
My column is going well. I had several people email me (businessmen from neighboring towns) who liked my last article. It is just like having a blog but it’s in print. I get to write about whatever strikes my fancy with no constraints–just how I like it.
My husband is getting raise after raise. So that’s a positive sign. It gives me hope I’ll be out of here soon.
Yet, I still think of my life back home. Still yearn for it. Just prayed to God to let us move back quickly. Because although I’m happy enough here, I don’t want to be here. I don’t. And I know it’s God’s plan. But I can still pray that He rushes this plan up a bit.
My husband called me at 2 am and left a message. It was all garbled because he’s in the middle of nowhere. But the gist of it was to be careful because there have been reports that guys are following women home from the local grocery stores and raping them.
Wonderful, I thought. And why am I here again?
Then I couldn’t go back to sleep. No matter. My dog would have woken me up anyways when the thunder started.
Homeschool is finally getting settled. The girls had to get used to me again and how I do things and I had to get used to them and how they learn things. Still struggling a bit with my 6 year old who wants to do everything her older sister does even if it’s a bit above her but I try and humor her. It’s better than not wanting to do it, I tell myself.
Yesterday, we went nature journaling. Our focus was on trees so we sketched the trees at the library, a park, and a nearby museum. We went biking. The temperature was nice, a warm 78 degrees.
Then we went to the store and returned home to do an art project, focusing on the Ancient Egyptians who drew murals on the floors and walls of their buildings, depicting their daily lives around the Nile River. So the girls sketched some birds and animals from guide books I picked up at the library and my son…well, scribbled. Cute scribbles though.
The rainbow is still there.
I’m on lesson 3 of BSF (shouldn’t shock anyone that I couldn’t wait) but I do the lessons with a heavy heart, not for sure I’ll be in a class or not. I’m learning but the spark is not there.
Same with exercising. I do it because I know I have to. But I force myself to.
Something is missing and I can’t peg it. I think it is the fact that I don’t want to be here. So why bother getting up? Doing BSF? Doing much of anything?
I wonder if all of this will be worth it next year at this time when we finally get to move and buy a home of our own.
My husband believes so. He tells me the year will fly by quickly. We must have patience and see where this thing takes us.
Yeah, I guess.
Still, life is a drag and dragging for a year is not how I like to live.
But I pray. And who knows? Just God.
I’m hoping whatever He has planned will come to fruition quickly.
So my heart won’t be quite so heavy.
