The Beauty of Aesop…

Aesop, believed to have been a Greek slave who lived around 600 BC, accomplished what most writers can only dream of:  longevity.  He wrote timeless, meaningful pieces that have been told and retold for over 2500 years now.  Wow!

I was reading a collection to my kids when one particularly hit me.  It’s called The Lion and the Donkey.  It is a very short but the point hit home.

A lion is walking through a forest and all the other animals are making way for him except for the donkey who brays a scornful remark.  At first the lion was angry until he realized it was only the donkey, a fool, who had spoken.  He walked quietly on, not even deeming to respond.

Moral:  Do not resent the remarks of a fool.  Ignore them.

I wish I could do that.  I do take things so personally.  I couldn’t get over 30 comments of people telling me where to go in my newspaper column.  I just couldn’t.  The same with this blog.  The hurtful things people have said in the past still stings.

Part of me wishes I would.  But the other part doesn’t.  Because I think it’s this part that makes my writing better than average.  That makes it unique.  That tells the story as only I can.  That will one day fulfill my dream.  And purpose in this fleeting life.

This is at least what I cling to.  Hope.  God.  Family.  Purpose.

“What Am I Supposed to Be Doing Here, Lord?”

I keep asking this right now in my life.

I feel I have all these passions and talents and yet no direction and no motivation.

What am I supposed to be doing and why am I here are my favorite questions right now to ask God.

This follows yesterday’s Free Will post.  I can choose what to do but is it what I’m supposed to be doing or is it something else entirely–and worst, is it in the wrong direction?

Is it all for naught?  A waste of my precious time I could be doing something with my kids?

I question everything these days.  I just wish it would be clear…

I fight every day the question of what’s the point?  Nothing makes sense right now.

Yet all I can do is what I have been doing…praying and waiting and seeking the sign, the answer in whatever form it may come.

What is My Calling?

We’ve been studying Isaiah in BSF who was called by God to tell the people of Jerusalem to repent or face the consequences.

So for the past few days, I’ve been struggling with this as well.

My husband wants us to move next summer if he gets the promotions he believes he will receive.  Once again, this has shook up my thinking and shoved me into the realm of uncertainty again.

If we moved, I would definitely return to homeschooling–no doubts about it.  A few months ago, I was strongly against this.  Now, I realize how much homeschooling was a part of my life and I miss it.  Plus, after a few months at this charter school (which is doing a great job by the way), I still know I can do better.  This may be the crux of my turmoil.

Right before school started, I was sitting in church and had an overwhelming feeling I needed to homeschool.  This came out of the blue.  It upset me but I knew I had to try this school.

We are living in  a house, not a home, which there is a difference.  We have to move at the end of the summer because the owners want to put it back on the market so I can’t even pretend it’s a home.  This doesn’t help with my unsettled feeling.

As I think about moving, my peace is gone.  Part of me wants to, the other does not.  I’m always ambivalent about a move to a location I know nothing about (mainly because I’m horrible with directions and spend the first few months getting lost!).

My kids’ lives are full yet I feel empty.  Maybe these unsettled feelings is about me and my purpose in life (writing) and about fulfilling that purpose.  Maybe these feelings are from the Devil who is coming against me as I do draw closer to God, His word, and His purpose for my life and get clarity on issues.  Maybe the Devil doesn’t want me to move.  Who knows?

I’m awed by all the BSF women who want to know God better, who are studying His word on a daily basis, and who are implementing His teachings.  I want to be like that.  I want to be a better parent.  I want to fulfill my purpose in life.  I want to know where God is leading me.

I love where I live but that doesn’t mean there isn’t something better out there for me and my family.  You have to go where the money is.  You have to go where God is prompting you to go.

Nothing is guaranteed in life.  You do what you have to do–what God leads you to do.

The question remains:  where is that?

Bible Study Fellowship–Isaiah

Yesterday was our first day of Bible Study Fellowship (BSF), studying the book of Isaiah.  I’m excited to begin.  This is my first year.

So, I began the questions this morning and I hope I get better as I go along.  I had to leave 4b blank because I am unsure how Isaiah 1:1-9 relates to dealing with a past hurt.  The passage is about how God is angry at his children because they have rebelled and speaks nothing of forgiveness or restoration.  It only mentions how his people are stupid and how there will be chosen survivors.

Maybe it’ll come to me in the coming days.

I loved the lecture, especially Principle #1: God uses committed people to impact culture today.  I’d like to think I’m one of these.

It’s also good to be reminded that you were born with a purpose in mind.  I know this instinctively but it’s good to bring it back up especially when someone else says so.

I Finished Homeschool–Now What?

I guess I’m just at a cross-roads here.  I have two completed novels that are going nowhere.  I’m done teaching my kids (officially–never permanently) as they are enrolled in a charter school for next year.  I have no desire to start my next work.  Even reading right now is difficult.  I bought a book but can’t get into it.  Working out is a chore (never used to be).  I’m reading the Bible but still am praying for answers to why I feel so depressed and not constructive lately (For example, I spent 5 hours cleaning yesterday because I felt like doing nothing else–that’s how bad it’s gotten).  I’m looking for a house to rent but am stuck in this apartment until our lease is up in September.

I guess that’s it–I feel stuck right now, personally.  Family’s going good.  Kids are good.  Dogs are good.  It feels like I walked through some mud and can’t break free.  I can’t seem to discover what I need to do to drag myself out.  Do I take a break?  Do I start my next novel?  Do I keep querying?

Right now, all I can do is keep praying–praying for God’s will in my life, whatever that is, and that it happens soon (something).  I hate feeling so…useless, drained and devoid of caring and import with my life.  I want to feel like I’m helping others and doing something with my life besides raising kids and keeping house.  Don’t get me wrong–I love being a stay-at-home mom and I understand that’s the most important job I will ever do.  Yet, there is this yearning deep down inside of me, prompting me more for this life of mine, saying I was meant for more, and now that my kids are older and not helpless infants, I feel the time for me is now finally (after almost 7 years of baby time).  I feel like my time is now and I’m impatient for it to arrive.

I’ve always been ambitious and I feel like I put my life on hold long enough.  I feel like God has given me this talent–writing–and I want to use it for His purposes.  We all have a purpose in this world before we reach the next and I just feel like mine is stalled.  My purpose is not progressing, stagnant, and it’s pulling me down with it.

Have you ever desired something so much it hurts until you get it?  Well, this is how I feel about my writing.  It’s paining me not to have movement in this area–not to find a literary agent or someone else to validate my life’s purpose.  I just want some validation here, please.  I don’t want to have lived without my life being validated.  I know my kids will validate me but they can’t exactly express that as little kids.  Plus, I want outside validation–not just from people who love me but from strangers–people I can affect without having to know them.

Is that too much to ask?